


Weeds are a Bouquet ( A 'Hunchback of Notre Dame'!AU)

by merrygentlemen



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hunchback of Notre Dame!AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-26 22:52:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1705514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrygentlemen/pseuds/merrygentlemen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(a 'trolls are dominant' society) Karkat has been locked away in the cathedral since he was a baby, hiding his mutant blood color with cloaks and isolation. When he sneaks out to go to a nearby festival, he meets a dancer made unique by his kindness and salamander,  and everything changes (perhaps not for the better).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bells of Notre Dame

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my attempt at a Hunchback of Notre Dame!AU. I've had to tweak a few things, but I think it's fairly promising.  
> Best read to the soundtrack found here==> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4COfl8DMB8&list=PLBE3046B6330DCAD4  
> Many thanks to my lovely beta Maddie (bucketsofjalex.tumblr.com)!

The dusk was purple, and there was an irritated man on a mission.  
The rain poured down relentlessly, and having been soaked to the bone an hour ago, he was anxious to catch this group of ruffians and return to his warm room in the palace. He would have done so already, had he not been sure that Her Imperial Condesce would refuse him shelter if he didn’t accomplish his nightly task.

It was always the same. Almost boring, at this point. 

He would be ordered to drive a specific group of humans or traitorous trolls out of the city, killing some of them if worst came to worst. Only a purely troll-populated city would be good enough for the empress, and any humans still living within the walls were to be dealt with in whatever manner he deemed fit. Occasionally getting his metaphorical hands bloody (he kept that shit on his swords) was as good a way as any to make sure his reputation (the cruelest henchman Her Imperial Condesce had employed in decades) was maintained.  
Of course, none of the fearful, awed, wide-eyed trolls whispering his praises in seedy taverns knew that Bro, the very ‘troll’ they were so fearful of, was entirely human himself.

It was more likely than not, at this point, that the ‘trolls are better than humans, humans are soft and squeamish and fragile and stupid, they should just go away before they ally with the lowbloods and start a revolt and kill Her Imperial Condesce, that would suck’ mindframe that HIC had worked so hard to enforce among her subjects would make a revelation of his true identity less than welcome. So he had learned to disguise all aspects of his humanity at all costs. He could disguise it well.

He had never met anyone who could see through the paint and poker face, and to his knowledge, no one knew.

Except Her Imperial Condesce. 

But he had even fooled her for a while, which was more than anyone else could claim, and (he suspected) a major factor in his employment. Someone who could hide his identity from her-- even if it was only for a few minutes-- obviously had some degree of intelligence.

Occasionally Bro would look back and curse his amazing disguising skills-- they had doomed him to a life of fulfilling the empress’ wishes, after all. But then again, the cushy head-henchman-second-in-command job he’d landed had guaranteed Dave a full belly, which was the most he could ask for.

Dave.

It had all been for Dave. Every errand, every eviction, every murder-- all of it. If Bro had been on his own, he would have taken his chances on the street, but now that he had Dave… Just the knowledge that Dave was waiting for him in their rooms back at the palace made everything okay. He could give orders, burn buildings, force people out of their homes, out of the only home they’d ever had.

He could even kill. He was very good, actually. Bro prided himself on his precision. Lots of practice had gifted him the ability to kill with one neat slice. It was practically a painless procedure-- he wasn’t completely heartless.

Bro had gotten so good at handling his sword that he didn’t even have to look at their faces anymore.

That made it a lot easier.

The choppy gait of his horse returned Bro to his current task. The small group of humans, maybe six or so, was fleeing down the wide, dusty path, along with two trolls who had been harboring them. Initially, his mission was to drive the humans out of the city, but  
the trolls had put up a bit of a fight. Bro knew the drill-- the empress did not take kindly to traitors, so now the pair of trolls were targets too.

He noticed that one of the trolls-- the shorter one with ridiculously long, tangled hair-- was running a bit strangely. It looked as if she wasn’t moving her arms at all.

A closer look, courtesy of a sharp turn, revealed that she was clutching something tightly to her chest-- a bundle of cloth, or rags, maybe. Bro tried to think back-- had he seen anything in the small house that might be worth grabbing? His attention had mostly been on his conversation with the male troll, but the front room had not been lavishly decorated in any sense. It had been cozy and warm, though a tad cluttered, and there had been nothing that gave the slightest indication of wealth. Maybe it had been in the back room, or in the basement with the humans?

Or maybe it was something sentimental-- a locket, or a dress? It had happened before.

A shriek alerted Bro to the fact that he’d gotten very close to the group. “Surrender yourselves to Her Imperial Condesce,” he shouted, as per protocol. He wasn’t supposed to kill them unless he gave them the option.

They did not look back, and ran with newfound energy.

Ah. So they knew about the next part.

Bro caught up to them again, and from there it was only a matter of moments before he was surrounded by corpses, his feet on the ground and his sword covered in blood. This batch was almost entirely red, with just a dash of green. Logical, since the group was mainly human. He wrinkled his nose as he wiped it on the ground. He never did like the smell.

Another job finished, Bro headed back over to his horse, soon to be back at the pala--

A howl broke his line of thought. He turned around slowly. He was sure he had killed everyone, and it wasn’t like him to leave survivors, even accidentally…

No one was there, and Bro started to turn around again when another cry caught his attention. The bundle near the troll lady was moving a little.

“Oh, fuck.”

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

He slowly walked towards the bundle, cursing under his breath. The slight squirming of the bundle was getting harder to ignore. As if that wasn’t enough, the soft cries were becoming more frequent, and by this point they were so loud they were practically screams.

Bro reached the bundle faster than he had intended, maybe wishing a little that whatever was inside would stop crying before he actually got close, and that he could pretend to forget about it. And go home. Because that would have been awfully nice. Picking the bundle up for further investigation, Bro’s fears were confirmed, as he found himself with an armful of screaming baby troll.

Welp.

Bro wasn’t cruel enough to let the kid starve or freeze to death, but he couldn’t let it survive either. It seemed he was left with only one option. With a sigh, he put the baby back on the ground, trying (unsuccessfully) to block out its cries. The kid sure did have a set of pipes. Drawing his sword from its sheath once again, Bro looked down, trying to pinpoint a place on the squirming baby that would make the death fast and neat.

Just as he had decided on a spot, he found himself staring into a pair of eyes. Red eyes, the third pair he’d ever seen.

Instantly he thought of Dave.

Fuck.

Bro couldn’t bring himself to stab anything that bore the slightest resemblance to Dave. Maybe at any other time, when he knew that the little twerp was safe at the palace, waiting for a fistbump and a story… But when he’d just left so recently, off to undergo training for years on end, doing Muse knows what, and a completely different species than other people thought, and dressing up to protect his life in a place where he would get killed if he messed up, even though he was just a kid, in a place where Bro couldn’t get to him, could never get to him in time, never-

He sighed, cursed his stupid feelings, and put his sword away.

Picking up the kid, he found himself with the image of an old friend in his mind. The only other guy with red eyes he’d ever seen. He’d been a big help when Dave first came around.

It was high time to pay Kankri a visit.


	2. Out There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while. World building is hard to insert. More notes at the end.

Karkat swore. Often.  
Excessive swearing was not encouraged within the cathedral, as it “disturbed the Lordly thoughts” of the many trolls that came and went daily. Karkat did not care in the slightest.

In this particular situation, his swearing was justifiable. Karkat was scrubbing the floors, and he’d been crouching on the floor in the same spot for so long that the lines from the stone tiles were cutting into his knees through his cloak and robes. Also, the soapy water and repetitive movement mixed with the dry, musty air was making the skin on his hands crack painfully. The thought of scrubbing the entire expanse of his present location, as he had been ordered to do, made his hands throb. He pushed up his sleeves again, thinking to himself that dampening them a little was better than dragging them through the many puddles he had created. 

The moonlight shone through the stained-glass windows, coloring the stone walls with intricate scenes. Glancing up, Karkat realized with a tinge of irritation that his hood had flopped into his face yet again. It didn’t matter much- he knew which ones were which. The images about Muse, and the ones about inspiration, creation, hospitality, kindness… The stained-glass windows were the most exciting part of the whole cathedral, and he knew the entire place like the back of his hand. Knowledge like that came with having lived in the cathedral his entire life. That was pretty much all he had gotten. Useless knowledge and endless chores.

Immediately after the thought presented itself, Karkat felt guilt flood through his mind. As much as he might grumble about the chores, they gave him something to do in the cathedral. A reason for Kankri, the high priest, to keep him.

And staying in the cathedral was a gift that kept on giving. It provided him with a cover, with a future. Education. Family. A disguise. Safety.

Life.

Karkat did not have much contact with other life forms. Not many trolls or humans came into the half of the cathedral he spent most of his time in, and usually he was alone. The half of the cathedral that was dedicated to Muse had become increasingly empty since the reign of the Empress began. Her Imperial Condesce encouraged her subjects to worship Lord instead, and to emulate his attributes instead of the ones Muse stood for. Things like brutality, fierceness, aggression. Viciousness and stubbornness. The willpower to survive, and the ambition to rise.

The capability to kill, and to live with the aftermath.

Having such a large area built on attributes like this made for a very judgmental, violent society. And anyone having other qualities, anyone who resisted the drastic changes, anyone trying to hold onto the past, would not survive.

Especially humans.

During his lessons (he would pay attention on occasion), Kankri had taught him that trolls and humans had lived together in the city. It was not entirely peaceful, but it was more so than the present situation. After Her Imperial Condesce took charge, it was a different story. For some reason-- no one knew, because no one questioned her-- she had an incredible dislike for humans. She had tried to purge the entire city of them, and any trolls who got in her way.

Obviously, it hadn’t worked as well as she thought it might, as humans were incredibly stubborn. They were still a part of everyday life. But things had changed. Generally, humans were seen as inferior to trolls. Not able to rent or own homes as easily, they were wanderers, and beggars. Many lived in the streets, or were in otherwise unfortunate situations. Very lucky ones did the dirty work, the jobs no troll with any dignity would consider. 

It was not unheard of for a human to live with a troll as an equal-- as a close friend, or a lover. It took a very particular kind of troll, though, and such relationships were exceedingly rare. Mostly, humans stuck together. 

Kankri had told him of a time when humans came into the cathedral on a regular basis, for reasons other than seeking charity or sanctuary. Humans tended to worship Muse more than Lord, Kankri had said. It fit them nicely. Creation, and inspiration, and acceptance, and unbridled love. That sort of thing was their forte. Most humans still did worship Muse, in little shrines they made themselves, and in their own creations. Little trinkets to sell by the side of the cobblestone street, or in music and artwork, when they had the chance.

Kankri had also taught him that it was impossible to have one without the other-- impossible to rule correctly without acceptance, and impossible to create masterpieces without being able to destroy. Light, without darkness, cannot exist, and darkness cannot exist without light. 

That kindness and charity and gentleness cannot induce weakness; that loving and being loved makes you stronger than anything you may encounter.

The sound of steady footsteps dragged Karkat back to reality. He looked up from his scrubbing and saw a familiar figure enter the sanctuary. “Karkat, dear, if you’re done washing the floor, I need you to--” Kanaya froze, drawing her long green robe around herself. “It’s always so cold in here, you’ll catch your death one of these days! Come, you deserve a break.”

With promises of tea and warmth, Karkat was drawn away from his scrubbing. He and Kanaya walked to the back exit of the sanctuary and went through the heavy door to a narrow hallway. The cathedral was only stone on the outside and in both main sanctuaries. Civilians were not allowed anywhere else, generally, and the rest of the cathedral-- the winding hallways, hidden rooms, everyone’s quarters, the cellar, and the bell tower-- was wood.

Teatime was a fairly common occurrence in the cathedral. Not only did it mark the end of Karkat’s chores for the afternoon, it also gave a break to the others in the cathedral. During the afternoon lull, Kanaya brought everyone to her chambers for conversation, and a brief respite from whatever they were currently doing. Sometimes, Kankri would join them, if he could. Usually, his sermons ran long, or he had to listen to early confession, or he was already locked in his tower for solitary prayer.

They arrived at Kanaya’s quarters, and pushing back the woven curtain revealed a small, makeshift ‘reception room’. Teatime was always here-- nowhere else had such a perfect combination of tidiness and coziness, and Kanaya’s quarters were fairly close to the sanctuaries. They had to be-- children were traveling to and from them all the time!

Kanaya had begun working at the cathedral about two sweeps before Karkat had arrived. She had been involved with a scandal, of which almost nothing had been revealed, but rather than being culled like most in her position would have been… An advisor to the Condesce, one who had known Kanaya in her youth and was still fond of her, had suggested that she would make an excellent improvement to the cathedral. All the young trolls got antsy during sermons, and surely it would be easier for the adults to give themselves to Lord if their children were being looked after elsewhere.

So whenever a young troll came to the cathedral, the option was given to go through the backdoor to a cozy space with stories and snacks. The concept grew popular over time, and Kanaya had stayed, watching over the children of the city.

Karkat and Kanaya were not alone in the room; two others were already sitting on the floor. One trying to talk while chugging down several cups of tea at once, and one watching these shenanigans with a faintly amused expression.

“Oh-- khahkup!!!” Terezi exclaimed, noticing their presence at last. She put down the cups and patted the floor next to her. Swallowing the last of her tea, she said “Finally! It’s about time you joined us,”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, unlike some people, I had actual chores to do.”

“Stop being so unpleasant, Karkles, you know painting the ceilings is difficult!” Terezi sniffed. She had come to the cathedral under circumstances similar to Kanaya: involved in a scandal, spared from culling by an advisor, sent to work in the cathedral. 

The fact that she (being blind) was ordered to be a painter was questionable, but after years spent together with few others for company, Karkat had learned not to question her. She was exceptionally skilled, if a bit eccentric. Little was known about her or her origins; most people assumed her mental state (or lack thereof) had been heavily influenced by all the exposure to (and ingestion of) oil paints and turpentine, and not helped by all the time spent upside down.

She had been ordered to paint a portrait of the Condesce, and had been working on it for several months. Actually, she had been mostly finished for a while, only the face was incomplete. Each time the portrait was checked on, the entire facial area was wiped clean, and the air smelled strongly of turpentine. Terezi claimed it was because she could not accurately capture the beautifully terrifying nature of the Condesce, but Karkat thought it had more to do with the exaggerated facial hair she kept painting.

Sollux was not, in any way, a recent addition. He had been at the cathedral almost as long as Kankri had. He was far more open about the events surrounding his service than Kanaya or Terezi. Apparently, he had been living with another troll when his ‘psiioniic’ powers were discovered. Thrilled at the prospect of another talented slave, the Condesce had taken him into custody. She did not anticipate the difficulties of child-rearing, however, and eventually sent him to work in the cathedral. Kankri, who was not a fan of physical exertion, had been having difficulties ringing the bells every morning, and when he learned of Sollux’s skills, he had an idea. 

And so, young Sollux was charged with ringing the bells, with waking the city, with marking time, with calling citizens to worship. Over time, he grew weary of the randomness, and started to make patterns with the sounds, forming little snippets of songs. Once again, Kankri recognized an opportunity when he saw it, and found some sheet music lying around from when musicians were employed in Muse’s sanctuary. He found a kind human who played an old piano in a tavern, and Sollux, ever the quick learner, thrived on his lessons. Learning to read the music, and transfer it to the bells, was the difficult part. Once he knew his way around the pitches of the bells, he could create complex music. Now, after an awful lot of practice, he had memorized most hymns, and could make the bells sing almost effortlessly.

Karkat, who slept in the belltower, had learned to sleep with earplugs, as being woken by enormous bells was lovely from a safe distance, and terrifying up close.

Terezi was engaging Kanaya in a one-sided conversation. As Karkat shook himself out of his thoughts, he caught the tail end of a comment about a festival. 

“Wait, wait, Terezi- say that again?”

Terezi glanced at him. “Daydreaming again, Karkles?” she snickered. “I was just saying that the due date for my painting is today, so I can’t go to the Festival, which sucks majorly.”

“...The festival is today?! I thought it was next week!”

“Well,” said Kanaya, “it’s not surprising you would lose track of time, always cooped up in here.” She frowned. “You know, there was this one merchant who always comes to the festival and leaves right after, and I really wanted to buy some fabric from him today… but I have some other errands to run for Kankri. Guess I’ll just have to wait until next year,”

“Aw, I would have gotten it for you, but I have to finish my painting. Sorry,” said Terezi.

Kanaya looked over at Sollux, who was picking his teeth with a fingernail. “Say, Sollux, dear, do you think you could--”

“Nope. No way,” Sollux interrupted. “I do have actual stuff to do, Kanaya, and also I haven’t left the cathedral in ten sweeps for a good reason. If I get spotted, and someone close to the Condesce realizes I’m not three feet tall anymore, I’ll have to be a personal servant to the Condesce. And-- well-- you’ve heard the rumors. You’ve heard why Strider is so obedient.”

Indeed she had. Ever since the infamous Bro Strider had begun his services to the Condesce, rumors had been flying around, trying to explain why she had picked someone so young and inexperienced to be her second-in-command, her right hand man. Her henchman (for that was what he was, really). That he had rare psychic powers, or that the reason he never took off his shades was because one glance could kill, and that the Condesce had decided to put that power to good use. But by far the most popular rumor was that she had recognized the ruthlessness within him, identified him as a kindred spirit, and appointed him immediately.

That, and they were also fucking.

No one was quite sure about this, but it seemed the most likely explanation. Why else would the Condesce trust him with so much? She had never trusted any of her advisors half as much, not even her fellow sea dwellers, and Strider was only a rustblood! And he was young when he began his legendary extermination. Younger than anyone to ever make an accomplishment of that magnitude.

He was only seven sweeps or so when he started killing professionally, he couldn’t have been any older. 

Kanaya turned her big green eyes onto Karkat. “Dear, won’t you be a doll and go get the fabric for me? I’ll excuse you from your chores,”

Karkat looked back at her, disbelieving. “Who, me?”

Kanaya nodded. “Yes, of course, you’re the only one who won’t be busy!”

“But I can’t leave! What if someone sees me? I’ll be culled on the spot! A mutation isn’t exactly an easy thing to hide among so many people, someone’s sure to figure it out!”

“Then…” Kanaya chewed her lip in thought. “Then, you’ll just have to take an extra big cloak! If you’re hooded the whole time, no one will see your horns or eyes, and your entire face will be shadowed, so it will be hard to see anything out of the ordinary. You can do it, Karkat, I know you can, there will be so many people there, no one will pay any attention to you. Just don’t cry, don’t talk excessively, and most importantly, stay safe and come back soon!”

“But-- but I--”

“‘But you’ nothing, now head off to that festival! And hurry, it’s already afternoon!”

Karkat could barely think straight as a heavy cloak was wrapped around him, a scrap of paper bearing the merchant’s name and some money were thrust into his hand, and he was roughly pushed towards the door. As he stumbled through the doorway, trying to regain control of his feet, he bumped into something solid.

“What are you doing now, kid? Don’t you got floors to scrub or something?” an authoritative voice inquired as strong arms steadied him.

“Oh-- Bro-- I-- well--” he stammered.

“We were just taking a quick break, Mr. Strider.” Kanaya interrupted. “Karkat was just leaving to return to his chores.”

Karkat nodded dutifully. “Yep,” he agreed. “Just heading out to do more… scrubbing.”

Bro nodded in return. “Anyway, I’m here to speak with Ms. Pyrope about the portrait.” At the sound of her name, Terezi rose.

“Wait,” said Karkat, “before you leave, I have a question.”

Bro raised a single eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Um. What is it like… outside?”

Stepping back, Bro sighed. “Kid, nothin’s gonna change, no matter how many times you ask. It’s still full of cruel, unforgiving people who shy away from anything different. It’s still a place where even the kindest, most selfless people suffer.” He looked Karkat right in the eye. Or at least it looked that way, it was kind of hard to tell with the darkened glasses. “It would still mean death for you. You know you can trust me, I saved your sorry butt, but there’s no telling who else is trustworthy. Sorry you can’t have a normal life, I’m not quite magic enough to give you that. But at least I gave you a life, isn’t that good enough?”

The tension between them was almost tangible until Karkat slumped. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stay put.” 

As Karkat trudged up the stairs, he asked for forgiveness from Muse for the lie. If all went according to plan, it wasn’t like anyone else besides she and himself would know. He was good at the ‘sneak’ part of ‘sneak down from the roof’.

\----------------------------

The people Dave was in charge of were such a buzzkill sometimes. And now, not only were they being a buzzkill, they were also being potential cockblocks. AND mean to a citizen. A very cute citizen.

The aforementioned cute citizen was a human, actually. A dancer. Not rare, when your species has so few opportunities for employment. You do what you can, and Dave had always felt a bit sorry for the humans.

Partially because none of them had come up with a plan as great as his Bro’s, where a guy could dress up like a troll and steal all the jobs without anyone even realizing it. But mostly because he was one himself. And whenever he saw someone trying to sell their wares or talents, or even their body, not knowing the next time food will come their way… well, once he had cash to spare, he always stopped, always talked, always tried to donate or buy whatever they were selling. This resulted in a huge pile of nickknacks (most of which were pretty cool) and many, many adoring fans.

Multiple times, Dave had answered a knock on his door to find a human, or two, or fifty, bearing food and stories and thanks. He had learned a lot from some of the humans. Mostly, he had learned that if you help someone, they won’t forget it. And then, when they get to a better place, the first thing they will do is bake you pumpkin bread.

He had never seen a human like this before.

Dave had seen plenty of dancers, but never one who seemed so full of joy. The movements came easy, all fluid and graceful, and the yellow salamander running around and on him, helping with various illusions that added to the performance. The entire audience, which was rather sizeable, was absolutely captivated.

The dancing boy was barefoot, with loose blue pants and a sash or two. And nothing else, save the jewelry around his ankles that filled the air with jingling whenever he moved. Dancers, or at least the ones Dave had seen, often had to make their costumes loose or minimal, to allow for more movement. And that was obviously the intention. If he moved so much that he had to be bare-chested, then so be it. If that meant Dave could drool over the perfect dark skin moving over what could only be described as ‘defined’ muscle mass, Dave was not complaining. 

The boy slowed, and then stopped dancing altogether, bowing and smiling as people threw coins in the bowl on the ground. The crowd drifted away, leaving only Dave, a few stragglers, and the dancer, who was now picking up some coins which had not quite made it to the bowl. 

This meant that Dave had a perfect view when two guards came around the corner, approaching the dancer rapidly when they saw the coins.

“I’ll bet you stole those, you filthy little human,” growled one of the guards, grabbing the dancer roughly.

“Get off me, I earned them,” he yelled, “let me go, I have to get home and give them to my dad, we needed it for food!”

The other guard chuckled, grabbing the bowl and upturning it. “How much do you wanna bet he’s lying?”

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Dave called out. Finally moving from his place in the shadows, he strode towards the scuffle. “Gentlemen, I was here, he’s telling the truth. Get on with your route, I’m sure there is worse to attend to.”

Obviously, the guards had not expected their commander to be there. Looking rightfully shocked and abashed, they reluctantly apologized and left, flicking each others’ horns in annoyance.

Immediately, the dancer started gathering up the many coins that had spilled. Dave joined him on the ground. “... Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

“Fine, had worse before,” dancer said. “Who are you, anyway? Why did they listen to you?”

“Well, they listened to me because I’m their commander. If they didn’t, I would have fired them.”

The dancer looked up. “Oh-- so wait, that means--”

Dave nodded. “Yep. David Strider, Captain of the Guard, at your service.”

“I’ve-- I’ve heard stories about you, about the things you do for humans, about your kindness. Thanks.”

“No need to thank me, just doing my job, you know? ‘Protecting the city and the individuals within it to the best of my ability’, or some shit.” Dave should not have gotten that excited over touching the boy’s hand while they were both dumping coins into the bowl. Even if it had been sort of cool.

The dancer grabbed the last of the coins in his fist. “Well, thanks again for your help.” He stood up, salamander on his shoulder, and prepared to go.

“Hang on,” Dave said, digging around in his coin purse. He pulled out a handful, not even looking at the amount. “You’re a great dancer.” The other boy blushed as he accepted the money.

“Oh man, I’ve been kind of rude, you introduced yourself and you don’t know my name yet! I’m John,” he said as he put the coins into the bowl with the others. It was practically full at this point, he would have to be careful not to spill.

“Well, John, it’s been an absolute pleasure. I have one more question before you go: when you dance, you look so… happy. Why?”

John smiled. “That’s why I dance! It makes me happy. And it makes other people happy too, which makes me even happier!”

Dave was almost shocked by the sheer size of John’s grin. He nodded, and bid John farewell. John immediately ran off, somehow not spilling any of the coins, and leaving Dave to watch his back. And butt. Which Dave was absolutely not sighing over. Nope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEESH OKAY  
> I have some links.  
> Sollux's bells sound sort of like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=metdGtrFAts
> 
> and I am no expert on belly dancing, but John's dancing style in this chapter looks something like this (just add in magic tricks and Casey jumping around): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZksDUViBFFo
> 
> ALSO I am using POC!stuck John here, as that is awesome and lovely. I tend to use orangelemonart's POC headcanons because they rock.
> 
> and thanks for reading!


	3. Topsy Turvy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, this took a while because I am lazy

As Karkat brushed dust off his knees from where he’d fallen, pushed by some anonymous hooligan in the crowd, he came to two conclusions. One: the festival, even this early in the afternoon, was absolutely absurd. Two: holy FUCK that was a lot of people.

He supposed it made sense. He’d gathered from things mentioned over many years that the afternoon was mostly populated with younger citizens and people looking to buy goods, and that the evening was geared more towards… ‘mature’ audiences. 

Karkat scowled as he examined the scrap of paper Kanaya had given him. How was he supposed to apply her shitty directions to reality when he knew nothing of the festival’s layout? After wandering for so long, his feet were beginning to hurt, and although he was loathe to initiate interaction, asking for help seemed the lesser of two evils at this point. 

Building up his resolve, he glanced around at all the citizens passing him by. A fairly even mixture of trolls and humans, all walking as quickly as possible, usually accompanied by shrieking children… Yeah, he could just ask. If someone decided to be an asshole, he could just abscond, or insult them into next sweep. None of these morons looked bright enough to rub two brain cells together, much less see through his disguise and discover his mutation. Nope, perfectly harmless, nothing to worry about. Heh. 

Karkat turned around, scanning the crowd for someone who looked reasonably friendly. He had just settled on a human in pink garb with a bright smile when he heard a riiiiiiiiip, his ankle got trapped in something and rolled painfully, and he pitched sideways. He grunted in surprise as he fell through layers of colorful fabric, eyes turned skyward, and then the back of his head smashed into something hard. Someone screamed. His eyes opened and closed sluggishly, and he registered a few things about his new surroundings. One, he was not alone. Somebody hovered near his face, wearing nothing but a panicked expression. Karkat assumed this was the screamer. Two, he was suddenly really, really tired, and he only took a moment to notice that the screamer had eyes almost the exact color of the sky, and then he knew nothing.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The back of his head was pulsing angrily when Karkat rejoined the world of the living, red creeping into his vision. He groaned, rubbing at his eyes. 

“Oh- you’re awake! Took you long enough, I was starting to get really worried.” Karkat glanced around, trying to find the source of the voice. He was greeted by the sight of the same guy as before, only he was clothed this time. “It would have been really awkward to explain why there was a body in my tent!”

Another glance around the vicinity revealed that yes, he was in a tent. It seemed to be mostly made of fabric, and only housed a few things. A small table, with a bowl and some cloth on it, and a whole fucking lot of pillows. The table, and most of the pillows, were stationed on sparse blankets, which attempted to cover the hard-packed dirt and occasional cobblestones that made up the floor. Karkat himself was positioned strategically on a gigantic mound of pillows, and it felt like there were cold presses on his ankle.

He glared up at the figure in front of him. “Okay, first of all, I have some questions for you. What happened, where am I, who are you, and why does my head hurt so fucking much, seriously. It’s like someone with incredibly constipated emotions is working out their issues by taking a brick to the back of my head.”

Blinking owlishly, his savior grimaced. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry! My name’s John.” He paused to smile. “Um, I didn’t see what was happening too well because I was changing, but I think you tripped on something- maybe your cloak, it has a tear- and hit your head. Your ankle looked a little painful too, but I don’t think anything’s broken, it just swelled a lot.” John gestured to Karkat’s ankle, and caught sight of the stuff on the table. “Ooh, hold on, I was going to change your cold presses and take another look at it!”

Karkat reeled back as John started forward, moving himself backward on the pillows with his arms. “Wait, wait, wait!! Are you even qualified to deal with this? How do I know you won’t tear off my foot? I need that, shithead!”

John looked at him, surprise on his face. “Uh… I mean, I’m no doctor, but it’s not that bad, and I’m pretty sure it’s not going to fall off. And if it does, you’ve got another one, you’ll be fine!” He laughed at Karkat’s indignant sputter. “Having a peg leg would be really cool! Anyway, I think it’s your head that we need to worry about. You bled all over the place, and I’ve had to change your bandages twice already,”

“... how did you get all this stuff? And why are you even helping me? I could kill you, you know.” Karkat glared at John, who had suddenly and inexplicably begun laughing. “No, that’s not funny! Stop laughing! Stop it right now! Understand my power! Fear me! Cower, helpless maggot!”

John only laughed harder. “Seriously though, let me help you! You’re kind of in rough shape, if you haven’t noticed. And I’m helping you out because it’s what I should do, I guess.” Karkat allowed him to approach with the bandages at this, still wary but deciding that someone capable of such idiocy was relatively harmless. John continued to speak as he handled Karkat’s foot, concentrating on the bandages. “You fell into my tent, after all, so your well-being became my responsibility! While you were unconscious, at least. Now that you’re awake I should probably just do whatever would make you feel comfortable… or maybe nothing at all, if that’s what you want.”

Blinking in surprise, Karkat tried to verify the sentiment. “Wait- you want to do… whatever would make me comfortable? As in, you’re not going to make decisions for me?” Surely he’d heard wrong. Or perhaps John was not capable of intelligent thought at all. He didn’t want to rule that out quite yet.

“Well, yeah! I mean, I sort of did while you were out of it, but you couldn’t say anything and I was pretty worried so I just had to guess what would make you feel better. I didn’t do much, just the basics, but maybe I messed up because I do that sometimes and I said before, I’m not a doctor, so-”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Karkat reassured John, who was looking sort of embarrassed at this point. “I don’t know much about medicine either.”

John sagged in obvious relief. “Oh, good. Wait- what did you not understand, then? Are you not used to being happy?” He chuckled a little at the idea, but stopped when his laughter was not joined by that of another. The heavy silence from his companion said everything he refused to. Eyes wide, John opened his mouth in question, but was interrupted before he could say anything.

“They mean well,” Karkat said quickly. “They really do, even though they’re all assholes. And they put my safety before everything else.”

“...And that’s the problem, isn’t it?” John said, quiet and solemn now in a way that didn’t quite fit.

Karkat bit his lip in response.

John moved a little closer, sitting right next to Karkat and putting a warm hand on his shoulder in comfort. “Happiness is just as important as safety, if not more so. It’s my favorite part of being alive, I think.” He grinned, as if to illustrate the point. A set of buckteeth poked out, noticeably less discreet than an elephant, but did nothing to hinder the loveliness of said grin. “There are so many things to be happy about! And I know that sometimes it’s hard to find them, and you feel like you’ll never be happy ever, but I promise you that if you keep looking you will find something. There is always something.”

Karkat huffed. “Yeah, except the issue there is that the same people who want to protect me from the bad stuff sealed me away from the good stuff. It’s kind of hard to look for different things to be happy about when you spend your whole life in one place.”

“What did they even do, lock you in a tower?” John snorted.

Karkat allowed himself a small smile. The attempt at an outlandish guess was incredibly close to the truth. “Pretty much. But that’s not really important right now, and I should get going. Thanks for your help, but I think I can walk now, and I really have to look for some fabric for a friend.”

John’s face lit up in excitement. “Ooh, is that what you were looking for? Do you know which merchant you’re buying it from?”

Wordlessly, Karkat pulled the slip of paper Kanaya had given him out of his cloak and passed out to John. After a quick glance, John smiled and said, “Oh, okay, I know this guy. Hey, if you tell him you know me, he might give you a discount! Here’s what you want to do,”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Performing was one of John’s favorite things to do, and he didn’t really get nervous anymore. And volunteering to perform in place of his inexperienced sister was a no-brainer, considering all the practice he had under his belt, and also the fact that she was in a close relationship, the other member of which would be devastated if anything bad happened to her. Which was why it was so strange to be nervous now: it was just another performance. In another sense, it was perfectly reasonable to be frightened out of his wits.

Performing for the Condesce would make anyone terrified, he thought to himself. He wasn’t a coward for fearing whether he’d live to see the next day, not when the Condesce had previously killed numerous entertainers who hadn’t lived up to her standards.

Everyone in the Court of Miracles would treat him like a god if he made it through this.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Karkat hadn’t meant to stay this long.

He was well aware of the sour twist the events underwent in the evening. He’d just… been preoccupied. The fabric merchant, who had, true to John’s word, given him a very generous discount, had also engaged Karkat in a very interesting conversation about John himself. Gushing about the boy’s skill, kindness, and optimism, the merchant had let slip the fact that John, who was a dancer and trickster by trade, would be performing later that night.

For the Condesce. 

Being the ward of Bro Strider, the Condesce’s right-hand man and rumored fucktoy, Karkat had picked up a few things. Firstly, she had unrealistic standards for entertainment which only the very skilled or incredibly attractive could have a chance of meeting, much less surpassing. Secondly, in an effort to appeal to her more… primal instincts, the vast majority wore very little clothing during the performance they thought might be their last.

Of course Karkat was concerned for the wellbeing of his new not-really-acquaintance-but-not-really-friend-either-thing, and if looking out for his safety meant enjoying the view of a scantily-clad, admittedly rather attractive human, then so be it. And if staying until the performance meant prolonging his day outside the cathedral, that was fine too. Drifting around the countless stalls and gazing at the colorful wares and strange people had not been entirely unenjoyable. It had actually been sort of fun, to act like an actual person for once. To walk among other people. There was also a sense of triumph he’d gotten: he hadn’t been discovered. No one payed attention to a short, silent troll with a shadowed face.

Here, it was a different story. It seemed like the entire city had gathered around the long stage; Karkat had never seen this many people at once, not even when he’d watched the crowded streets from the roof. And he’d certainly never been in such close proximity with so many people before. Being bumped and jostled from all sides, he was starting to regret standing so close to the stage, as it seemed the crowd was thickest in his general area. He had to restrain himself from lashing out at his neighbors several times. Luckily, the crowd seemed to settle down, almost stilling completely when a pair of figures emerged from behind the stage.

Karkat’s eyes widened in recognition and oh Muse he didn’t think Bro would be here but of course he would, he goes everywhere she does, and wow that is a lot of hair. So much hair. 

It was a little strange that the Condesce would appear so nonchalant in front of the city she’d fucked many times over, even going so far as to place her throne somewhere that had a great view but also was really easy place to aim at. But then again, anyone who would dare attack her was insane or suicidal or both, because Bro was her henchman for a reason. He could turn any weapon on the attacker in an instant, and be done with it before anyone could react.

Also standing with Bro and the Condesce was the other Strider, Dave, the Captain of the guard. Tall and stoic and just as skilled as his older brother, but not as close to the Condesce, or as brutal. Both were a credit to trollkind. 

Karkat was the only one to witness the Captain’s stoicism falter for a moment as John walked onstage. And for good reason; everyone else in the crowd, as well as Bro and the Condesce, was drinking in the monumental amount of bare flesh.

The outfit was just as skimpy as Karkat had predicted, just enough shining black leather to cover the essentials. The crowd seemed to wake up as John crossed to one of the tall metal poles on the stage, cheering and whistling and cat-calling as if their lives depended on it. Karkat was content just to watch.

And watch he did, as John began his routine. The loud, steady beating of drums seemed to come from everywhere as John began dancing. There was not a trace of the playful, mischievous dancer the merchant had told him about. Instead, John moved fluidly, utterly drenched in sex appeal.

As he spun around the poles, he used his thighs and arms to performs tricks that really showed off his flexibility. Moving between them, he slinked in a way that made his ass extremely appealing. Karkat glanced back to the Condesce’s group, observing exactly what he’d expected. Dave was getting flustered, slowly but surely. Bro was not displaying much emotion, but his tongue darted out occasionally. Creepy. The Condesce was flat-out leering. Again, he sort of expected that when John’s movements made it so easy to imagine fucking him. He’d be surprised if John didn’t get an invitation back to the palace after this. For his ass, if nothing else.

When John finished his routine, standing up with a huge grin on his face to meet the cheering and congratulations from the crowd, some things happened.

Several individuals, humans and trolls alike, shouted out proclamations of love and offers for sex.

Dave Strider looked like a lovesick puppy, all hot and bothered and slack-jawed, his dark glasses the only part of his mask that remained.

The Condesce whispered something into Bro’s ear.

John’s eyes picked Karkat out of the crowd. He walked to the edge of the stage, avoiding the desperate hands grabbing for his ankles and calves, crouched down, and smiled at him. 

Karkat was sure everyone else in the crowd wanted to be him right now. But then he realized what that meant. All of the eyes on John were also on him. Which meant he had been noticed.

And as a voice rang out, angry in John’s apparent selection of Karkat and rejection of everyone else, he would have given anything to be someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes of course John is a pole dancer for a little bit in this AU. I need sex appeal!!! otherwise it won't work!!!
> 
> anyways I have some links for you yep  
> HERE IS THE MOVIE CLIP THIS SCENE IS SORT OF BASED ON (DISNEY VERSION, DUH)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TO6BhtvlHUQ
> 
> HERE IS WHAT I IMAGINE JOHN'S SEXY DANCE BEING LIKE, ONLY LESS AWESOME BECAUSE HE IS A DORK. SKIP TO 1:25 OR SO  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAkuS1ctZg4
> 
> you are welcome


	4. Humiliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey this was much faster

Everything went to shit.

The spell was broken, and it seemed like the entire crowd was furious. Fueled and angered by rejection, the citizens transformed from background figures into deadly enemies. Karkat’s cloak, so carefully draped to hide the giveaways of his secret, was torn off by angry hands. He cried out, grasping for it, desperate not to let his one protective layer go. A group of large trolls near him laughed at his distress, ripping the bottom hem of his cloak. A single clear thought surfaced-- Kanaya will be furious-- and then everything was plunged into chaos once more. 

Once the larger trolls got a better look at him, taking in the short stature and rounded horns and fangs, they sprung into action. Paying no attention to his cries of “get your hands off me, you filthy sons of--”, rough hands dragged him back and forth as claws dug into his horns, making him wince at the pain. Gathering his wits about him, Karkat screwed his eyes shut in a small rebellion. He wouldn’t let the bastards find out his blood color before he actually bled, even if it was too dark to tell his own blood from a light rust at the moment. 

As his body got used to the sudden darkness, his other senses heightened. This was regrettable in the sense that each push and shove was all the more painful, but it also meant that he realized he was not alone in his wish for his attackers to disappear. John was freaking out from the edge of the stage, so much noise was coming from him, and screaming, screaming so loudly for them to stop, to cut it out, to stop hurting him.

Karkat heard a whump, some grunting, a screech or two, and heavy footsteps coming towards him before the sound of someone’s wrist breaking as he was yanked out of his attacker’s hands. Amidst the yelps and swears that followed, he was hurried away from the area until he was picked up and boosted onto what he assumed was the stage. As he slid forward, away from the angry shouting behind him, he felt a hand on his back. He started to jerk, to fight and wriggle away from more violence, but was stopped by a voice he recognized as John’s.

“Hey! Stop fighting me, you’re okay for now, but we have to move, yeah?” Karkat turned his head towards the source of the sound, still keeping his eyes shut as a precaution. John helped him up, and they paused to regroup for a moment. He felt sturdy arms wrap around him, pulling him close as if to shield him from the angry crowd, and… wow, even with his eyes closed Karkat could tell that John hadn’t gotten a chance to change out of his costume because fuck, that was a lot of skin. 

The short peace was broken by others joining them onstage, as Karkat was forcefully pulled away from a now shrieking John, probably fending off unwanted groping as well as fighting his way toward Karkat. His efforts were to no avail, however, because someone had produced a length of rope.

Before he knew it, Karkat was stripped of all dignity, bound to the pole in the center of the stage, still warm from John’s recent performance. The idiots who had tied him to the pole had left the stage, returning to the audience and presumably laughing their asses off as angry citizens pushed and shoved, waves of trolls surging up to the edge of the stage. Eyes shut tightly and fighting back tears as insults and rotting fruit hit him from all directions, he cursed Kankri out for making him keep his nails short. While it made housework much easier, long, sharp nails would have made slicing through the ropes a matter of seconds. 

Remembering Kankri also triggered the remembrance of another important figure in his life. How could he have forgotten the Bro was still there? Karkat filed that particular bout of idiocy away for examining at a later date, because he had more important things to worry about. Bro was there. He’d been watching the performance along with the crowd. Which meant that unless he’d left very quickly (highly doubtful), he’d seen everything. Which meant he knew Karkat was in town. And not in the cathedral. Where he was supposed to be.

Shit.

Karkat figured that while his life might be in danger, his last shred of dignity has flown out the window without a farewell ‘fuck you’, so he had nothing to lose. Except possibly his life. With this conclusion in mind, he sprang into action.

He assumed his best pathetic face, and, lips quivering, he turned his face in the direction he remembered Bro being. His strangled cry of “Bro, help! Please,” came out more desperate than he would have liked, but again, he had no dignity left to worry about.

Apparently, Bro was not easily swayed by desperate pleads, because nothing much came from that direction. But as soon as Karkat resigned himself to suffering until the townspeople got bored, a hush fell over the crowd. 

Karkat ducked his head before daring to open his eyes, hoping that his bangs would hide their color. He watched from behind his hair, matted with the juice and rinds of fruits, as John approached him again. The flickering torchlight from the earlier festivities illuminated him, face twisted in fury, and in that moment he was the most terrifying and beautiful thing Karkat had ever seen. He was not alone in this sentiment, it seemed, as the majority of people who had been slinging fruit and insults a minute prior were just staring in awe.

John walked slowly, carrying a long, folded piece of cloth that looked suspiciously like Karkat’s cloak. From the bruises and cut decorating his body, he’d been fighting a number of people in the crowd below, but a quick glance revealed that John had hurt the angry trolls far worse than they had hurt him. Several cradled broken bones, some were still spitting out teeth, and one guy was just curled up on the ground, crying. John crouched down next to Karkat, using a corner of the heavy fabric to dab at some tomato spatter on his cheek.

“I got your cloak back for you,” he said softly.

Karkat grimaced. “Congratulations, you are truly the king of idiots. Why the fuck would you focus on keeping a piece of cloth safe instead of your own skinny ass, you good-natured sack of shit?”

“I’m sorry, dude. This is all my fault. I never meant to put you in danger, I was just happy to see y-”

Their soft conversation was cut off by none other than the Condesce. “Hey. You there. Boy. Yeah, you, babe. This is touching and all, but I wanna laugh at Nubby some more, so get down quick, yeah?”

John stood up to face the sneering troll. “Of course, your grace, as soon as I free this poor boy.”

She blinked in surprise. “No, babe, get down now. Do as I say.”

John whipped out a small dagger from some hidden pocket in his tiny costume and sliced through the ropes binding Karkat’s wrists to the pole. He must not have been intending to accept the Condesce’s invitation back to the palace, Karkat mused. 

As he stood up, he heard a growl arise from the Condesce’s throat. “You’re gonna pay for that disrespect, human.”

John scoffed in the face of a sight that would make most adults piss themselves and run away screaming. “You’ve been trying to strengthen our city for years, to weed out the weak in preparation for a battle that never came. But enforcing cruelty and violence like this doesn’t make us any stronger-- it tears our society apart!”

The Condesce was flushed in anger by this point, looking like her head would explode any second. “If you value your life, human, shut the fuck up right now.”

“In your fucking dreams, bitch!” 

A huge gasp rose from the crowd at the insult. No one had ever shown this much disrespect to the Empress before, this idiot was in for some very unpleasant surprises. Death, if he was lucky. Time seemed to stand still as the Condesce took a deep breath. “Strider,” she said, and both brothers whirled their heads around in anticipation of orders. “Arrest him.”

Both Striders started moving towards where John stood with Karkat. John immediately put on an exaggerated frown. “Shit, guys, two against one?” His voice rang out, loud enough for every member of the audience to hear him. Karkat had a feeling John was planning something. “That’s not very sportsmanlike of you. Luckily, I have a friend somewhere around here. She’ll be on my team, and then it will be fair!” A huge, childish grin sprang to his face as he whistled loudly. In the blink of an eye, the curtains rustled as something small and yellow sprinted toward John at breakneck speed. Karkat only had time to register that whatever it was looked amphibian before John scooped up the creature, reached into a small leather pouch on its back, and threw something to the ground before a cloud of thick smoke appeared, blocking their small group from sight, and then John and the small creature were gone. 

When the smoke cleared, everyone in the vicinity was having a coughing fit. The Striders glanced around, searching for John in quick, efficient movements. A few moments passed, and then, from the back of the audience, John laughed. “Ha, you should see the look on your face!” he cried, but it was not apparent whom this was directed at. Their prey in sight once more, Bro and Dave started pushing through the crowd. John made fun of them both mercilessly, and even cracked a few jokes that had the more light-hearted members of the audience chuckling. When they had almost reached him, John pulled the same trick, disappearing in another cloud of smoke that had even the Striders coughing. 

John played around like this for a while, teasing and taunting the two brothers until he was almost within reach, then disappearing in a cloud of smoke, only to appear moments later on the far side of the crowd. The fickle citizens were swayed easily by his antics, making obstacles for the Striders and cheering whenever John disappeared. 

After John had disappeared for around three times as long as usual, the brothers began to get wary rather than frustrated. They drew their blades and stood back to back in the middle of the crowd, walking in a small circle and observing their surroundings. Even the Condesce began to get nervous without her two favorite bodyguards by her side, whipping her head back and forth so quickly that her absurdly long hair flipped in front of her face, leaving her spluttering at the indignity and scrabbling at her face.

Karkat felt a slow grin creep onto his face. He walked backward upstage, only stopping when he felt the curtain brush against him. If John had been gone this long, something great was bound to happen. The quicker he could escape, the better.

When John appeared for the big finale, it was more discreet than before. He stood on a stepstool behind the Condesce’s throne, holding a finger to his lips as a signal to the audience to be quiet.

No one really caught on to what he was doing until he raised a large pail over his head and upended it on the Condesce, coating her mane of hair in a revolting green slime.

It seemed like the crowd was torn between dying of laughter or dying of shock as the Condesce screeched curses at the top of her voice. John scampered away behind the curtains, and Karkat followed him, making sure to grab his cloak. He caught up with John, who had the yellow creature on his shoulder now, and slung the cloak around his shoulders around the other boy, who was still mostly naked, as well as he could while running full tilt. John soon realized what he was doing and held it closed where a clasp would be. He looked at Karkat and asked breathlessly, “Where should we go?”

Karkat grabbed John's free hand and started sprinting toward the cathedral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy sHITBALLS this one was fun to write


	5. God Help the Outcasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! :)
> 
> I've gotten quite a bit of positive feedback on this, so thank you for that!! I'm amazed anyone is reading this at all, actually.
> 
> If you have questions/feedback, I can be found on tumblr here: http://merrygentlemen.tumblr.com/
> 
> I love getting messages, don't be shy!
> 
> Thanks for reading, you are all fabulous.

With the crowd in an uproar and the Condesce covered in what had probably once been fish guts, Dave decided to channel his inner bakery cart and hauled his buns out of there. Trusting Bro to run damage control, he tried to sneak out of the area. A lightning-quick hand caught the edge of his tunic, tugging firmly to let him know escape wouldn't be as easy as he'd hoped.

Dave glared at his brother briefly, then joined him in journeying across the audience to where the Condesce was still screeching gibberish. It was considerably easier to push through the crowd than it had been earlier, as most civilians, shocked by John's prank, had either fled in fear or were laughing so hard they could no longer stand upright. Dave almost stepped on a few of them, only realizing they were there at the last second. When they got to the front of the crowd, he recognized one of the bulky dudes who had started the whole clusterfuck in the first place. 

The idiot was now gasping for breath and clutching at his sides, completely collapsed in the dirt.  
Dave took relish in stomping on his ugly face, hoping to break the dude's nose. Not really what he deserved; he was getting off easy. Groping such a perfect ass as the one John possessed- or anyone's ass really- without consent was a crime that would take a few centuries in a torture dungeon to punish, and Dave did not have the time nor the dungeon.

When the douchebag's nose was suitably broken, Dave moved on, rejoining his brother in front of the Condesce. Bro moved slowly, not wanting to alarm her at his approach. He reached his hands to her face and parted the heavy hair in front of it, then tore part of his own tunic off and wiped her face gently. Expressionless, and seemingly unaware of the tenderness he was implementing, he spoke quietly. "What would you have me do?"  
She opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. Her face twitched with the effort of containing her fury. "Take me back to the palace, Strider. My hair is disgusting, my clothes are disgusting... I don't want to feel like this any more. " Bro nodded. 

She turned to Dave, which was a lot harder than it should have been because of all the wet hair weighing down her head. "And you," she said tightly, the anger burning in her eyes, "find that human."  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Karkat had expected to be pursued.

John had just pulled one hell of a stunt, one that would surely doom him to a life of pain. So he was considerably shocked when he didn't hear any footfalls behind them. Figuring that they would be pursued in the near future seemed logical, and he ran at full tilt, hoping to bring John safely to the cathedral before anyone tried to stop them.

John didn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation. He was laughing, and cooing over Casey, and just jabbering on about whatever random thing popped into his mind. It was infuriating, but it was also distracting enough to take Karkat's mind elsewhere. For a split second, he could think about how stupid John was rather than how he would probably be dead very very soon.  
When they made it to the cathedral, unharmed and not missing any limbs, Karkat pulled John around to the less-used Muse half and dashed inside. He almost expected the big doors to creak as they closed, because this was his life and they hadn't been opened in ages, but they slid shut gently. Maybe oiling the hinges had been good for something after all.

Karkat heaved a sigh of relief in the familiar territory, leaning heavily against the wall. John, still holding the cloak closed, was wandering around, looking at everything in disbelief and reverence. His movements switched between fast and slow, as though he wanted to see everything at once, but didn't want to disturb the atmosphere. The stained-glass windows were strangely illuminated; even though there was no sunlight, Karkat had cleaned them so often that the starlight shone through. John put his hand on a pillar, gently tracing the intricate carvings with a finger. 

"What is this place?" John whispered, his voice echoing softly.

Karkat had regained his breath. "It's Muse's half of the Cathedral, John. I thought it would be a good idea, since no one comes in here any more, and violence is prohibited, and even if they did find you, they couldn't force you to come out if you claim sanctuary..." It had seemed like the best option while he was panicking. Also because he didn't know how to get to any other safe spots. Even though he had long since memorized the different streets of the city, gazing at them from the roof, it was different actually running on them.

John walked toward the shrine at the front of the room. It was small, only a plain wooden table with a white cloth over it. On top were some carved stone frogs and a pot of green paint. Muse didn't care much for material objects, Karkat had learned. Frogs were sacred to her, but she was more fond of acting through people, inspiring creativity and kindness in them. It was a sharp contrast to Lord, whose shrine was huge and complicated, covered in puppets and gold and sacrificial livestock and skulls, countless skulls, skulls of trolls and animals and humans.

Karkat had never liked Lord's half. It smelled too much like death.

"Hey... How do you know no one comes in here any more? How did you find it in the first place?" John had taken Casey down from his shoulder and was petting her back, trying to keep her squeaks and glubs quiet.

Karkat gulped. "Well, nookstain, if you had two brain cells to rub together- and at this point I am seriously doubting that- you would have enough wits about you to realize that I live here. But rest assured, I won't force you to fire up your singular brain cell, because if I did it would cause a volcano of idiocy to erupt, dooming me and everyone else in the city to a stupid, fiery death, choking on the fumes of mental exertion."

"Wait, you actually live here? Wow, how long has that been a thing? Oh, but- I thought you just had an overprotective family or something, do you never get to go outside because you're in training? Crap, did I violate any oaths you have? Are you, like, celibate?" It seemed like John had only caught one phrase, not even realizing the insults surrounding it.

Their conversation was cut short as Kanaya stormed in from a passage behind a tapestry and looking more terrifying that Karkat had ever seen before. "KARKAT VANTAS!" she shouted, absolutely livid. John glanced around in confusion, and Karkat remembered that he'd never introduced himself. Oops. 

Karkat shrank guiltily as Kanaya marched briskly over, grabbing him roughly by the ear. "Karkat, do you have any idea how late it is? I was worried sick, I thought you'd been killed! And I told you your safety was far more important than any fabric, what in the world were you thinking?"  
John, having never met this strange troll woman before, made the mistake of trying to interrupt. 

"Uh, ma'am-"

Her eyes snapped to his face, and he could see something glittery and far too sharp in her mouth as she smiled. "Oh, goodness, are you here to worship? We'll leave you to it, goodbye!" And without another word, she dragged Karkat away using more force than was strictly necessary, ignoring his protests of "Ka- Kanaya, hang on just a bulgemunching second, wait! Dammit, Kanaya!"

John was not alone for long. Evidently, the noise from their scuffle had drawn the attention of someone nearby. Someone who was patrolling for troublemakers. Someone who found it odd and a little suspicious that a kerfuffle (the scientific term, obviously) was happening in the practically-abandoned part of the cathedral.

John didn't take it too well when this someone investigated.

Dave opened the heavy doors to the cathedral and was greeted with the sight of the exact person he was supposed to find. He was pleased to find that said person- one John Egbert, they'd met previously- was still mostly nude. He was less pleased to find that when John hid behind a pillar it was more difficult to appreciate his ass.

Not entirely sure what to do to avoid scaring John, who was in an admittedly scary situation, Dave moved forward slowly, talking as he went. "Dude, are you seriously still not wearing any clothes? That's just sad, downright depressing shit right there. One of those epic tragedies. Storytellers will recount the tale, and sad old ladies will wipe away their tears all discreet and-" 

He was cut off by John, who had apparently mustered up enough courage to make a dash to the shrine and grab the largest stone frog, hoisting it high above his head and muttering a quick apology to Muse before shouting, "I am NOT afraid to use this, so stop walking if you prefer your skull intact!"

Dave quickly held up his hands, not wanting to antagonize John. "Whoa there, man. No violence in Muse's cathedral, yeah? I just wanted to talk to you."

John seemed to waver between guilt and fear for a moment, but he didn't loosen his grip on the frog. "What did you want to talk about, Strider? How you're going to arrest me for a harmless prank? I didn't do anything wrong, it was the other guys who started it! They shouldn't have attacked Karkat, he didn't even do anything!" 

Dave decided that 'Karkat' must have been the troll who got the worst of the mob. "Nah, man, I actually thought you were pretty cool back there. Not a lot of people would have done what you did. Karkat was lucky you had his back."

Taken aback by the compliment, John shifted, starting to believe Dave's good intentions. "Oh. Um, thanks? But I only did a few magic tricks, it wasn't anything special. And it was my fault to begin with, I think."

Dave snorted. "Yeah, no, bro. Did you forget fighting dudes three times your size, or setting him free, or making that badass speech, or dumping literal fish guts on the empress' head? It was awesome. And also they are really mad about it, which is what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Uh. Okay?" John said, returning the frog to its proper place and walking a little closer, meeting Dave in the center of the room. "Is there something I should know?"  
"Yeah, dude. Connie's totes furious, and kinda wants to imprison you forever in her kinky torture dungeon for what you did to her hair. So I was gonna let you know that it would probably be a good idea to not be around here for a while. Skip town, or disappear for a long-ass time. Or, since you're here already, claim sanctuary. Get all up on that bitch, it's yours if you want it. It might be boring, and you won't be able to leave until the empress forgets about you, but it's safe, and you won't be alone."

John was trying to soak up all the information, going over it in his head, and he almost missed the last bit. "Wait, what? What do you mean?"

Dave's face twitched, the corners up his lips tilting upwards for a moment. "You're far from the first person to get in serious trouble with her royal hair extensions, Egbert. You're also not the first person to claim sanctuary." He glanced down quickly, as if gathering his thoughts, and spoke a little more softly. "There was this girl I knew, back when I was younger. I'd see her in the palace. Psycho bitch if I ever saw one. Used to paint for nobles. Portraits and shit. Got in trouble, went into hiding. I heard she was here pretty recently, actually. If you decide to stay, say hi for me, yeah?"

"Of course, Dave. Hey, thanks for this. You're actually-" The small grin on John’s face was dumped on its ass as a look of horror took its place. Dave whirled around to see his brother and a couple lame-ass guards joining them. He could hear John behind him, “You… you tricked me.” Fuck. He was really getting some bonding done there. All his work undone in seconds.

He rolled his eyes at the people who dared to interrupt a private- well, it wasn’t actually that private, but it was still a moment. Uncool. “What do you want, Bro? I’ve got this.”

Bro looked right back at him, unimpressed with the situation. “He hasn’t been arrested yet, obviously you don’t. Chill, little dude, let me take care of it.” 

Dave made his voice go as quiet as he could. “Claim sanctuary. Now.” No response, other than the stinkeye he could sense Egbert giving to him. Shit.

He straightened back up, fixing his poker face. “Hey, sorry Bro, but he claimed sanctuary. Can’t arrest him as long as his ass is in the building.”

“Then I’ll haul his ass out of the building,” Bro stated coldly, stepping purposefully towards them. Dave barely had time to assume a fighting stance when they were rudely interrupted once again. Seriously, it was just a ‘let’s cock block Dave’ party up in here. Everyone is invited, break out the guacamole, paint some nails, the whole shebang.

This time it was some weirdo cloaked head to toe in gray, probably drawn to the noise. He stepped protectively in front of John, shoving Dave towards Bro and the guards. “Bro,” he said calmly, “you know I will not tolerate violence or mentions of violence, intended or not, in my cathedral. Since your intentions are clear, I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave the premises. You may return unarmed if you wish to apologize, but otherwise please do not return.”

Bro stared at the troll. “Kankri, you know I don’t wanna hurt the kid, but the empress-”

“The empress nothing! You are very dear to me, but the boy has claimed sanctuary, and by Muse’s will I will protect him. The empress has no power here, she is just another troll. We are all equally powerless in the houses of Lord and Muse, and she cannot touch him here. Again, I must ask you to leave the premises at once. Now, out, out! Everybody out- young man, do not make that face at me, is it unbecoming and incredibly offensive!” Kankri shooed all of them out, only returning to John when even Dave was far enough away. 

Smiling, he put his arm around John, beginning to walk the perimeter of the room. “So, what brings you here? We don’t get many visitors in this part of the cathedral anymore. Is there anything I can help you with? Questions, requests?”

John tried to recall the phrasing of something Kankri had said. “Um, yeah, actually. You said something like ‘we are all equally powerless’, or at least when we’re here, I think. My dad taught me something like that, but I’ve never met a troll who believed it before. Where did you learn it?”

Kankri chuckled. “I met someone once. He was different, in a way that I could relate to. He had many things to say, and was invaluable in my securing of this position. He was something of a mentor to me, in my youth, and taught many- humans and trolls alike- the importance of compassion, and how we are all equal, truly.” He gestured around the vast room. “Look around you. This does not cover a fraction of the majesty and power possessed by Muse, and Lord’s half is the same. Under them, we are all squabbling children, threatening each other with strength we do not have. It is important to remember that in the end, we are judged for our deeds, not our possessions, or wealth, or power. If you are kind and help those in need, surely both gods will smile upon you, recognizing your compassion and strength.”

John smiled, the familiar sentiment washing over him. “I try to be strong, and to be kind. I’m not sure if I’m doing it often enough, though- it always seems like the world could use a little more kindness!”

“Now, that’s the right attitude!” Kankri laughed. “I only hope more people will see it that way soon.”

“Yeah… sometimes I don’t understand why they don’t. I mean, you can never be too busy to love the world, it’s not hard!”

Kankri stopped walking. “That’s where you’re wrong,” he sighed. “For some- perhaps most- it is difficult indeed to love the world, the thing which has wronged them so many times.” He cleared his throat, and smiled brightly once again. “But that is why our doors are always open, offering protection and kindness to those who cannot find it elsewhere. There will always be outcasts, and those who are plagued by sorrow, and as long as they exist, there exist reasons to be kind.”

Satisfied with this, John nodded. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.” 

Kankri quirked a brow. “While you claim sanctuary, you must remain inside the cathedral. If you intend to stay through the rest of the night, or perhaps longer, might I invite you to a late supper with me? I have finished my duties, and if you are hungry, I would be happy to serve you. Of course, you have no obligation to accept, or even to claim sanctuary for longer than you are comfortable. It is your choice.”

John blinked in surprise. “Oh! Uh, thank you for the offer, but I’m not very hungry. And I was planning to leave soon, too. Can I just stay here for a while?”

“Of course. If you don’t mind, I will take my leave.” He stood in front of John, one hand on the shoulder without Casey. He pressed his free hand to his lips, kissing his index finger, and placed it on John’s temple. “May Muse grant you compassion.” He lifted his other hand and repeated the process, placing it on John’s other temple. “May Lord grant you determination.” He moved both fingers to the center of John’s forehead. “May you find hope wherever you look.”

John’s smile reached all the way up to his ears. As Kankri’s hands fell, he kissed his own index fingers. One temple. “May Muse grant you comfort.” Other temple. “May Lord grant you strength.” Forehead. “May you find pride within yourself.”

He laughed. “Where did you learn to do that?” 

Kankri grinned, showing his blunt fangs. “Fortunate events have allowed me to befriend many people in my lifetime. Goodnight, John.”

It would be a very long time before John realized he’d never told Kankri his name. But for now, blissfully unaware, he was content to explore. After waiting a suitable amount of time, he and Casey pushed aside the tapestry he remembered Karkat disappearing under. He let his eyes adjust to the dark, and realized he was standing somewhere that was definitely not open to the public. 

He was in a dark, wooden hallway, if you could call it that. It was more like a few boards nailed together with a single handrail. He immediately grabbed hold of it and peered over the edge, careful to hold onto Casey just in case. 

John had been right to take precautions. It looked as though the pathway he was standing on was one of countless rickety pathways, all twisting and turning in the void to connect the different parts of the cathedral. Beneath him, the paths seemed to go on forever, and he couldn’t imagine what they were used for. Probably not pranking, as he would have done. Maybe they just had that much storage.

He walked onward, trying to figure out where Karkat could have gone. Eventually, he came to a staircase. It twisted off the main path, spiraling upwards. He looked down where the flat path ended. Flickering light and hushed voices came from what he presumed was the kitchen. His mind settled, John began climbing the stairs. If he couldn’t find Karkat, he could always come back down and ask for help, but he wanted to try on his own first.  
\----------------------------------------------------------  
Karkat was terrified.

He’d thought he was safe in his hiding spot, a convenient little place on a hidden balcony where he could observe the floor level of Muse’s cathedral. Not many people could follow him out there, being too cowardly or heavy to brave the skinny bridge linking it to the staircase. But Egbert was stupid enough to try, and not heavy enough to fall, so he might succeed. And the footfalls were coming closer every second. 

Finally deciding to make a run for it, he dashed out across his bridge and started climbing stairs as quickly and quietly as possible. Given that he’d been making trips up and down this staircase every single day of his damn life, this was pretty fast and extremely quiet. And then, because this was the life of Karkat Vantas, he tripped. Crashing down with a cry, he practically got a stair embedded in his gut.

He realised his mistake at the first tentative “... Karkat?”

Karkat sprang upright and started sprinting, not giving a flying fuck how loud he was anymore. The footsteps behind him sped up too.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *spoiler time (well not really spoilers but world building shit)*
> 
> I realize that this Kankri is a lot less asshole-ish than canon Kankri. This is because of reasons. There are plenty of assholes in this story, I need someone who doesn't want to punch babies to balance it out. ALSO, this Kankri is older, and was really close with the Sufferer (he died in chapter 1, if you couldn't tell.) and aLSO JOHN'S DAD AND THE REST OF THE GUARDIANS WHAAAAAAATT?? yeah so basic outline for the prequel would be that the Sufferer and the Disciple (who are also Karkat's parents!!), Dolorosa, Psiioniic, Kankri, Dad, Nanna, Mom Lalonde, and Grandpa were the major force against the Condesce's BLARGH BLARGH KILL ALL HUMANS AND MUTANTS AND WEAKLINGS thing. Bro was in trouble and they offered to help him but he found a place by the Condesce because of Dave and stubbornness. :(  
> ANYWAYS bad shit went down, now Kankri is a sweetheart. ALSO he totally kept in contact with John's dad. He even hired him to be Sollux's piano teacher. They're tight. They meet up to eat food and talk about their annoying adoptive sons.


	6. The Bell Tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spilled my johnkat feels all over this chapter
> 
> also I made a mix for the johnkat feels in this chapter and the next couple chapters, while it is still (sort of) a happy story  
> it can be found here  
> http://8tracks.com/merrygentlemen/without-a-trace-of-fright
> 
> also I was joking it is not a happy story. my poor shipper's heart.

John huffed as he raced up the creaky staircase, careful not to let Casey fall. There sure were a lot of stairs! Luckily, the wood was worn with use, so if he stayed towards the middle, he wouldn't get any splinters in his bare feet. Gosh, he really needed to get some actual clothes soon.

He followed the sound of Karkat's footsteps, climbing steadily up and around until the last landing at the very top of the staircase. The door was ajar, and on the other side of a narrow hallway was... something.

It wasn't quite a room, it was too large for that. It was more like a gargantuan, partially-enclosed area at the very top of the cathedral. The floor seemed to span the entire expanse of both Muse's and Lord's cathedrals. It was open in the center, making room for dozens of gigantic bells. John supposed that this was where the morning bell music came from. He couldn't imagine any other use.

There were walkways around the perimeter of the room, and balconies on the far side, looking out over the square below. A curtain blocked off a small area, and next to it rested a tapestry loom, along with some large baskets filled entirely with colorful thread.

It was easy to see its purpose, as the walls of the tower were completely covered in tapestries.

Colorful cloth depicting scenes from folklore, stories of Lord and Muse, and city life hung over every inch of the gray stone wall. 

Karkat was staring warily from where he stood in the middle of the outer walkway, eyebrows scrunched in an expression that was supposed to be intimidating. It was actually kind of adorable. "Did... did you follow me up here? Why?"

John snorted. "I had no idea what else to do. I can't leave quite yet, the guards are probably still around all the exits. And also, I wanted to apologize to you again. I didn't mean for you to get hurt- not when you fell into my tent, and not after my dance-thingy, either. Although, I'm not sure why those guys grabbed you like they did. Maybe they just wanted to start a fight or a riot or something, I guess."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Do you really not know? Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway. The past is past. Just another time the universe decided to fuck me over. It could have been worse, though. I'm surprised they didn't figure out the color of my blood. Shit, John, they would have had a field day with that."

John took a hesitant step forward. "... Karkat, what the fuck are you even talking about? I mean, I know most trolls are really into that whole blood color thing, but is yours really that bad? It's just blood, right? I saw it today, when you fell. It's just red, like mine. Oh, man, is it poisonous? That would be kind of cool- wait, I touched it, I touched it, am I gonna die?!" He had worked himself into a tizzy, and was now pacing diligently, seriously concerned for his life. He had so much to live for, oh Muse, oh he was too young for this, what would even happen to Casey? He'd have to ask Jade to take care of her, oh gosh...

A sudden slap to the face let sense flood back into his mind. Karkat's hands gripped his shoulders. It was kind of funny to see how high he had to reach, Karkat was super short. Heh.

"Stop it, stop freaking out, shitstain! You're not going to die from touching my blood. However," Karkat paused, letting a hint of malice creep into his voice, "I may kill you myself for having seen it." He turned, throwing his arms in the air. "Ugh, I can't believe I was so stupid! I keep a secret my whole life, and a single concussion makes me unable to notice it's been spilled! Literally!"

John was still confused. "Hold on- what secret?"

Karkat had firey, impatient bloodlust in his eyes when he whirled around. "You said it yourself, my blood is red! Bright red! Like yours, like an animal's, like a human. But not like a troll. I'm..." he sighed, finally letting the tiredness pull his body downwards. "I'm not on the hemospectrum at all. I'm a mutant, numbskull, and if you ever tell anyone else ever, I will rip out your intestines through your nose and strangle your family with them."

"Oh. Okay! So, do you live here?"

Karkat had to physically step back in shock from the sudden, unthinking acceptance and subject change. "Um. Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Cool!" John's smile was back in full force now. "Where exactly?" Karkat regained his motor skills somehow and brushed past John, lifting the heavy curtain that gave the illusion of privacy to the small alcove he called his own. John peered into the dimness over his shoulder, making out a mess of blankets and books.

"This is where I pretend to sleep, and where I spend my non-existent free time. Mostly I do random chores in other places, but. Yeah." He dropped the curtain, motioning for John to move back to the walkway. "Um. And the loom over there is mine too. Never needed much else."

“You made all of these?” John asked, tracing his fingers over a tapestry with strange, dream-like images of smoke and birds.

“... The walls were too gray, it was depressing as fuck,” Karkat grumbled. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t like gray things very much.” He shuffled out to the balcony, leaning up against the railing and glaring out into the night.

John nodded, picking up on the metaphor and quietly thinking about what to say next. He smiled to himself, before walking over and joining Karkat on the balcony, anklets clattering as he moved. “I don’t like gray much either, in general.”

Karkat’s eyes flickered upwards for a moment, a little sad. “I didn’t think you would,” he said.

John’s brow furrowed in mock concentration, as he stroked an imaginary beard. “Well, I don’t like most grays. There are different kinds, you know.”

Squinting slightly in confusion, Karkat let out a soft, “Oh?”

“Yeah, there are the normal, ordinary grays- the kind you see everyday. The kind that stones and weapons are. The cold, empty, emotionless gray of prisons and graveyards and stuff. That’s the kind I don’t like.”

“And there are other kinds of gray?”

John laughed a little. “You bet there are! There are bunches of grays! There are ones that look kind of green, and others that are lighter, almost white!”

Karkat was still looking at the night sky, rather than John. “And there are some grays that you do like?”

“Yeah. I don’t like most grays, like I said before, but I do like the gray you see in the clouds at dawn- a reddish one. Reddish gray can be really beautiful, especially if you see it on a clear morning.” John’s eyes were focused on Karkat now, and he could feel a blush coming on, the red pooling behind his thick gray skin. His thoughts repeated John's words- 'reddish gray can be really beautiful'.

Feeling a small spark of hope make it way to his heart, Karkat mustered his courage and asked, “Are there any other grays you like?”

“I only like one other kind, I think. I like the kind of gray that’s lighter and softer than other grays- the gray that’s been mixed with blue,” John said softly, as if he didn’t want to scare away a small animal. 

Karkat turned his head to look at John. “D- do you think I could be like that, someday? A good sort of gray?”

John’s face softened, and he took Karkat’s hands in his, brushing aside the heavy cloak and clutching them close to his bare chest. “You already are, Karkat. You’re already a very, very good person. I have no clue how someone like you could have been raised by such a total buttface as Bro Strider, because you- you just-” John took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts. “You’re kind, and intelligent, and you grasp the concept of basic decency so much better than any troll I’ve met before.”

Karkat’s eyes had grown large, displaying the bright red irises. John smiled slowly, and mused, “You know, Karkat- you’re surprisingly human, for a troll.”

Gulping loudly, Karkat glanced around for a distraction- a bird, a fire, a riot- anything to break the spell. Eventually, he managed to choke out a squeak that could have been 'thanks' and pulled away, clearing his throat. Peering over the edge of the balcony again, he said, "Hey- you were right, the city guard has got the place surrounded!"

Indeed, the time John had spent fooling around in the cathedral had provided ample opportunity to call for backup. Random trolls in uniform had swarmed the area, blocking all of the visible exits. Karkat recognized some of them from the usual patrols, but there were a lot more down there than he'd ever seen at once. Neither of the Striders were anywhere to be found.

John bit his lip. "Oh," he said, "I was kind of hoping to sneak out, but that will be really hard now. Shit, I really need to get back to my dad, he'll be worried."

Karkat looked up, a small smile on his face. "It's only hard if you don't know your way around."

"Wait- what? Is there another way out?"

He nodded, letting excitement take over. "What did you think all the rickety wooden passage things were for? This place was used as a refuge for humans and the Rebellion's forces a while back, they had to be able to get away somehow. But that's not how we'll go this time, it's too slow. We'll climb!"

John's eyes widened. "...Is that possible?"

Karkat grinned. "Fuck yeah. Don't worry, I'll help you." He lead John to a small stairway leading to the roof. "Just trust me."

As they made their way over to the far side of the roof, towards the back of the cathedral where there were not as many guards, John considered the proposal. It was a little daunting, thinking that he would be 'climbing' down the side of such a huge building. But Karkat seemed confident, and John prided himself in his ability to adapt. Besides, he still felt bad about earlier, and trusting him now was a way to make it up to him.

When Karkat stopped at the edge of the roof and offered his hand, John only hestitated long enough to make sure Casey was safely tucked into the large hood. Then he gripped his friend's hand with a huge smile on his face.

It took some maneuvering, but after a while John found himself climbing down the carvings on the back of Muse's cathedral. It wasn't as scary as he'd thought. There weren't stairs exactly, but John, unfamiliar with the terrain, was content to wiggle down the stone warts of a carved toad that was nearly as tall as the building. Karkat was staying close to him, though it was obvious it wasn't nearly as challenging for him. They climbed in companionable silence, wary of the guards on the far side of the cathedral. It was easy until the warts stopped. 

John froze, looking below himself for a foothold. He was still too far off the ground to jump without breaking several bones, even with his athletic ability. Karkat was still moving, but stopped once he noticed John was stuck. "Can you come over here?" he asked, gesturing at the array of stone wands he was climbing like a ladder. It wasn't too far, really. John sent a quick plea to Muse and tried to swing himself over, scrabbling wildly for a grip. He missed, of course, but Karkat grabbed his arm and hauled him back up, muttering curses all the way down the rest of the carvings.

Once they were safely on the ground, John heaved a sigh of relief. It sure had been a lot of excitement packed into one day! He dug Casey out of his hood, and was pleased to find that she was perfectly fine, if a little sleepy.

"Wow, thanks, Karkat! You really saved my butt, I wouldn't have been able to do that without your help. I wish there was some way to- oh, wait, hold on, I have the perfect thing!" 

He dug into a secret pocket inside his ridiculously tiny costume (seriously, he was going to murder whoever thought this up as soon as he got home). John held out his prize to the startled troll, then slipped the cord over his head. "There! Now, if you ever need help, you'll know where to find me!"

Karkat examined the pendant on the necklace, a strange white skeleton. "Wha-"

His question never made it out of his throat, because John chose that particular moment to surge forward, trapping Karkat in a tight hug and pecking him on the cheek, then running off. "Thanks again, you're a lifesaver! Bye!"

Karkat's mind left as he made his way back up the cathedral, only bothering to register the location of his next handhold. When he reached the roof, he swung over the railing and made it two paces before he collapsed and brought his hand up to his cheek. And that was when he started to freak out.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Pulling Karkat's cloak further around himself, John ran. 

The cloak had given him an advantage; the guards had been told he'd be only in his costume. Apparently Bro hadn't gotten a good look at him in Muse's cathedral, and Dave had neglected to mention anything. He hadn't thought much of it, just counted it as a blessing and moved on, weaving through the streets, trying to evade anyone who might be trailing him. 

John darted into a narrow alley, glancing behind him just in case, and he crashed into an obstacle. A strangely warm obstacle. A strangely warm obstacle that happened to be named Dave Strider.

John landed on his butt and blinked hard, not entirely sure what just happened. 

"Oh, hey man, I was looking for you," said Dave, face blank and arms full. From what John could see, it looked like he was carrying a lumpy bundle of cloth. He tensed up, preparing to run away from the potential threat. "No, it's chill, Egbert. We're chill."

John stood up slowly, eyeing Dave suspiciously. "You mean you're not going to turn me in?"

Dave pursed his lips. "Nah. I'm going to do the opposite of that, actually. Not that I'm complaining about your current state of dress, but do you want some real clothes? It'll make it harder for them to recognize you."

John's face flushed, realizing how much of his body was exposed. It was just a costume onstage, something to help with his character, and he'd been too pumped on adrenaline during the chase to feel embarrassed. He hadn't noticed around Karkat, either, but maybe that was because his mind was on other things, and Karkat had seemed trustworthy, and safe. 

Around Dave, it was different. To have it be pointed out in such a roundabout, almost flirtatious way. And there was just something about the atmosphere around Dave, something electric and dangerous. Being so venerable was disconcerting. 

He took the clothes Dave offered, taking off Karkat's cloak and pulling them on over his costume. There was no way he was taking anything else off in front of this weirdo, however helpful he might be.

John put the cloak back on over his new disguise, checking to make sure Casey was still okay. She glubbed at him, blowing a small bubble of spit to reassure him of her well-being. So cute.

"Do you want some pumpkin bread, too? I had some extra, and you must be pretty fucking hungry." He pulled a loaf out from the small bundle left in his arms, and as the smell reached John's nostrils, he realized exactly how hungry he was. He snatched the bread from Dave's hand, making sure Casey got some before digging into a very, very late supper. Or, he supposed, a sort-of-early breakfast.

While he ate, Dave spoke. "Okay, so you've been doing pretty well this far. You've got a while before any other officials come down this way, Bro's got 'em all at the cathedral. If they do let me start a patrol, it'll be with a lot less people than usual. I'll send them to the obvious places- the busiest streets, the richest parts of town. Those rich guys like someone to cover their asses. Anyways, just stay in the slums if you can, and if possible, get to your destination before midday. I'll delay any patrols until then."

John swallowed a mouthful of bread. "Why are you helping me?"

"Eh. I'm just doing my job. You're a citizen, you deserve to be protected." Dave let the corner of his mouth turn up a little. "Also, I guess you're kind of cool."

Satisfied with this, John nodded once, then ran off into the dusty streets, clutching the remainder of the bread to his (now clothed) chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW OKAY that was a lot of emotions in one chapter. but fear not. next chapter will have even more emotions!!
> 
> um so the bell tower scene was actually the first thing I wrote for this AU because of johnkat


	7. Heaven's Light/Hellfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! a quick warning, if you are triggered by mentions of kinky gay sexytimes, DO NOT READ THE SECOND HALF OF THIS CHAPTER! even though they are only mentions, I've named some kinks that not everyone shares. There will be a summary of the second half in the notes at the end for those who choose to skip it.
> 
> This chapter features an illustration from tumblr user bichol. More info at the end! :)

Karkat wasn't sure how he got back down to the belltower, but he knew that there was work to be done, though there wouldn't be any more chores until the next day. The sense of excitement grew within him as he grabbed parchment and got to work.

When Kanaya and Sollux found him, he was in his nest of blankets, scribbling away. He was surrounded by discarded parchment, all covered in dark ink. Kanaya noticed that his tongue was poking out of his mouth in concentration.

Sollux rolled his eyes (or at least Kanaya thought he did- it was hard to tell with the lack of pupils) and made his way over to the bells, sheet music in hand.

Kanaya opened her mouth to speak, but before the words could leave her throat, Karkat stood up and brushed past her. He rushed to his stash of thread, rummaging through his collection of colors. Her brows furrowed in confusion. "Kakat, what- what in the world happened? You're positively frazzled, what is the matter?"

He glanced up for a moment, fists full of blue string. "I... I met someone," That was all he would say, and soon he ignored her prying completely, rushing around again. But she didn't miss the way his cheeks were more reddened than she'd ever seen them, and she certainly didn't miss the smile (Karkat could smile?) that seemed to be growing impossibly large.

What could be making Karkat so flustered? Who had he met, and what had they done to make such a large impression on her friend?

While Karkat picked through a tangle of thread, distracted for the time being, she slipped behind the curtain and into the small space he called his own. Promising herself that she was only invading his privacy to make sure he was safe, she tried to make things quick.

Kanaya made little noise as she picked her way between the crumpled papers and wrinkled blankets, her goal in plain sight. In the very center of the blanket nest was a single piece of parchment. She picked it up gently, gazing curiously at the image on it.

Karkat had drawn someone she recognized from last night, the boy who had been in the cathedral. She hadn't gotten much of an impression due to the unfortunate circumstances, so she considered Karkat's perception of the boy. The lack of horns indicated that the figure was human, and she supposed that made sense, after seeing the garments the human was clothed in. It was quite obvious that he was some sort of dancer. He looked graceful and happy, with strong arms and wild hair. His smile warmed her heart somehow, even though he was a drawing.

Kanaya let the drawing flutter to the floor and left the bell tower with more questions than answers.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bro was feeling pretty conflicted. And he couldn't be happier about that.

It had been a while since he'd felt anything, really. Only the heavy 'OBEY' that perpetually weighed down his thoughts had come close to feelings in the past years. And now, it was gone.

He'd noticed right away- it had been there so long that he'd forgotten it was there, and then it suddenly wasn't anymore! It had seemed strange at first, not wanting to put the Condesce's happiness before his own life. His mind still felt funny, but there was a clarity there which had been absent before he broke free.

Well. Maybe that was a strong phrase. He hadn't even realized he'd been doing it.

And it was all thanks to that kid. Bro had never seen someone quite like him. Sure, he'd seen some sexy people in his time, but this guy was like an explosion made of sex appeal. And he didn't even seem to realize the strength of the power he was wielding, which somehow made him even more attractive.

Ever since the performance, Bro's mind had become a whirlwind of muscles and youthful energy and shining blue eyes. The exaggerated poses the boy had struck made it incredibly easy to put him in wonderful situations that involved very little clothing.

He got an impression from the same place the 'OBEY' usually came from, an impression that he should _stop doing that, stop thinking about the what the dude's boner would look like, stop thinking about how much you would like to put it in your mouth, seriously, ew, he's a terrible person, he's a HUMAN AND HE DUMPED SLIME ON MY HAIR AND MADE IT GROSS STOP THINKING ABOUT HIS BUTT!!!!!!!!_

Realizing that the angry messages were from the Condesce's mental connection with him, he kept thinking about dicks. So many dicks.

Soon enough, she was gone entirely, not able to tolerate the thought of ecstasy filling the criminal who had wronged her. As long as he thought about having sex with that dude, his mind was his own. And he wasn't about to give that up.

But that was where the conflict was stemming from. Because it had been all too easy to see that Dave had the hots for this guy. And he didn't want to mess up his bro's love life. And also, it was sort of creepy to think about his butt. The kid was too young for him. WAY too young. But that was part of why fucking him would be so hot...

So much lust and guilt all swirled together after so long feeling nothing was pretty overwhelming. So much so that he made a mistake.

Bro went back to thinking about butts as soon as he felt the tug on his mind, but by then it was too late. He felt a ridiculous amount of anger penetrate _(KEEP THINKING ABOUT FUCKING)_ his skull as she regained a hold, still too repulsed to take over completely.

His thoughts became jumbled, a string of _LICKING TAPPING TOUCHING_ , so desperate that he didn't notice when the Condesce entered the room. She had always been able to locate him quickly when their mental connection was intact.

Her hands found his face, tearing it upwards to meet her chest. His struggles did nothing, her mental shackles were keeping him still, but he kept thinking at her, bombarding her with images that couldn't be unseen.

She had one arm around his neck, trapping his face in her cleavage. The other hand was petting his hair as she spoke, maliciousness in her tone.

"You know, Strider, I'm pretty mad at what that puny little human did yesterday. I can't remember anyone else being nearly as rude. So, obviously, he's got to be punished."

_PINCHING SLAPPING PATTING STROKING_

"I have a job for you. Take as many guards as you need, but find him. Bring him to me."

_RUBBING SCRATCHING KNEADING FLICKING_

"I want him alive. How else will he be able to enjoy all of my toys?"

_TWISTING PULLING PRICKING TICKLING_

"Or maybe I shouldn't share the dungeon. That's ours, isn't it?"

_HANDJOBS BLOWJOBS ANAL ORAL_

"Hmm. What else could I do..."

_FROTTAGE FINGERING STRETCHING FISTING_

"Ooh, I know! We haven't had an execution in a while!"

The horror hit Bro like a slap to the face. Dave would be devastated. He tried to squirm out of her grasp, but forces unseen were still holding him fast.

"I won't do it," he managed to bite out.

_MOANING GROANING STUTTERING SHOUTING SCREAMING_

She cackled. "Oh, but you will, Strider! I know you don't care about me anymore; you don't even care about yourself anymore. But you still care about our brother, don't you?"

_FUCKING KEENING HOLDING BOUNCING RIDING KISSING MOVING **NOT DAVE**_

"You've seen the torture dungeon, sweet cheeks, you know it's only fun if I want it to be. And if you don't take care of this, I won't be in a very playful mood. Wouldn't that make your brother sad?"

 _HANDS BAREBACKING COMEPLAY BREATHPLAY_ **_NOT DAVE_**

There was a twinge of disgust coming from her. Had he grossed her out enough yet?

_ASPHYXIATION BLOOD BITING DENIAL **YOU CAN'T HAVE DAVE YOU'LL NEVER HAVE DAVE**_

Without warning, she got a firm grip on his conciousness and pushed.

 

obey obey obey

_TOPPING_

obey obey obey

_BOTTOMING_

obey obey obey

_DICKS_

obey obey obey

_BUTTS_

find him kill him obey

_BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS **YOU CAN'T HAVE DAVE**_

obey obey obey

**_NEVER_ **

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And then the darkness took him, his mind was not his own any longer, and he knew nothing.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay that was pretty heavy! here's a quick summary of the 'hellfire' part: the Condesce has been using mind control to make Bro do some nasty stuff. She doesn't like John, so when Bro fantasized about John's dingle dangle, she got squicked and let go of his mind for a bit. She wants him to put John under arrest so she can execute him. Bro refused and used the power of imaginary gay sex to fight her. after she threatened Dave, Bro got venerable, and he's now back under her control. TA-DA INSTANT BRO FEELS
> 
> whew, now that that's done with... yay art!! the lovely and skilled bichol made some fanart recently! I thought I was going to have to use my own art for this, which would have made some eyeballs bleed. But bichol went all Superman on me and swooped in to save the day. so the moral of the story is: bichol is awesome. also, be grateful for your eyeballs.
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO! now we have come to a fork in the road! I've been going by the 1996 Disney version so far, but this has gotten more attention than I originally thought. I always knew that JohnKat wouldn't make it to the end of the story, but should I also squash the hearts of the JohnDave shippers? Should I make it darker, more like Hugo's novel? SHOULD JOHN LIVE OR DIE??????? these are the real questions. let me know what you think!
> 
> and, as always, thanks for reading!


	8. A Guy Like You

Kanaya rolled her eyes; she really couldn't let this go on. Her only worker was incapacitated and ineffectual, everything he cleaned ended up dustier than before...

Also, all of his sighing was getting on her nerves.

"Karkat," she finally snapped, "you're being more harmful than helpful! I know something is on your mind, and until it is resolved, you are going to continue being useless. Now, march!"

His protests did nothing to deter her as she grabbed his ear and briskly dragged him up the stairs . Kanaya finally released her grip once they reached the belltower. The momentum made Karkat stumble forward, rubbing at his ear. "No matter how many times you do that, it still hurts like crazy," he grunted.

She brushed him off. "Karkat. Please explain this to me," she said, making a sweeping gesture at the tapestry loom standing before them. Within the loom was, predictably, a tapestry- the same one Karkat had been working on for the last few days. It was almost finished, and Kanaya suspected that he'd been weaving whenever he could. Weaving instead of sleeping, sneaking away from chores and meals unless supervised... She hadn't ever seen him as passionate about any other scene.

The aforementioned scene was simple in concept, but complex in execution. The same figure from the sketch she had found greeted her, in a similar pose. It was identical to the sketch, actually, from the angle of his pointed toes to the curve of his shoulder. The only difference was the background. And what a difference it was! Karkat had created a detailed skyscape behind the figure, making it look like he was dancing on wind and clouds. The blues and silvers danced around each other, catching the sunlight floating in from the balcony. They bled into each other, and into the figure, making it look like he was made of wind too. It was obvious that Karkat had put a lot of care into it.

And that was why Kanaya was so concerned. He'd been losing so much sleep over this project; what about it could be so important to him?

Karkat shuffled his feet a little. "Um. I made another tapestry?"

Now it was Kanaya's turn to sigh. She imitated the broken sound Karkat had been making recently. "I am aware, Karkat. Would you please tell me who this is, and why he has made you seemingly lovesick?" His eyes quickly turned to the floor as his face reddened, and Kanaya had a moment of clarity. "Oh dear... you are lovesick."

Karkat crossed his arms and scowled, his face twisting into the angry expression. "No!" he said, rather unconvincingly.

She smiled softly, grabbing Karkat's arm and gently tugging him down to the floor. They settled into a familiar position as she began to play with his hair, straightening tangles and petting the locks. It wasn't long before Karkat broke the silence.

"His name is John. He's a human, and he dances in the streets for money. He has this weird little pet, Casey, and I think she performs with him. I met him... Shit, this is really embarrassing. I tripped over my own feet and fell into the tent he was changing in. I guess the fall knocked me out, because when I came to, he was there." Karkat had stopped looking at the floor, instead letting his eyes wander up to the tapestry. He gazed at it with reverence as he continued speaking. "He helped me. Didn't ask, didn't judge. He saw my blood, and he didn't kill me, Kanaya! He was just so. So. He. I." Karkat had lost his coherence, and possibly also his basic motor skills, and now was just making strange noises and gesturing wildly. Kanaya continues to pet him until he settled down.

"Kanaya, he saved me. He tricked them, and saved me, and escaped- I've never seen anything like it! And I brought him here, and we talked, and I helped him leave without getting caught, and guess what, Kanaya." Karkat turned around to face her with excited eyes. _"He kissed me!"_

Kanaya blinked, surprised by his closeness as well as his words. "Well, he does sound like a sweet boy, I suppose," she said.

The corners of Karkat's eyes crinkled as his smile grew wide. "You don't even know the half of it," He chuckled, and stood up to get closer to his tapestry. "I just..." His brow creased in thought as he raised his hand and traced the tip of his finger over the jawline of the John he'd created. "I just hope he's okay."

She stood, placing a comforting arm around Karkat's shoulders. "If he did indeed save you from 'them', whomever they might be, and succeed in escaping- and I expect you to tell me more about this later- I'm sure he is well out of harm's way by now. Perhaps he will even come back to visit you in the near future."

"I don't know, Kanaya," Karkat said. "If I were him, I wouldn't come back."

"But he's probably never met anyone like you before!"

He shrugged her arm off of his shoulders and fiddled with some sort of necklace he was wearing, an action that had become something of a nervous habit recently, and let out a shaky breath. "That's what I'm afraid of. What if I scared him?"

"Pfft." Kanaya chuckled to herself. "If you ask me, it seems like he likes you quite a lot. I'm no expert in romance, but if I were in his shoes, I'd want to keep the people I care about safe until the situation became less turbulent. If that means staying away from them, so be it. But keep watch; I expect he'll show up sooner or later. Now, enough of this nonsense. Have you seen Terezi lately?"

Karkat's frown deepened. "No, I haven't. I thought you might know. I haven't seen her since the day of the festival."

Kanaya made a small, irritated noise. "Well. She does tend to wander off on occasion. I'm just a little worried, she's never been gone this long without coming back for food."

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dave."

Dave looked up from his meal, unsurprised at the tall form of his brother entering his home. "Hey, Bro. What's up?"

He noticed that Bro's face was a little weird- even more apathetic than usual. Man, that guy had an excellent poker face already, but he supposed there was always room for improvement. "Dave. We have a new mission. Gather all available guards and soldiers, we've got a human to find."

Dave's stomach dropped. Fuck. Well, he'd sort of been expecting this to happen. Might as well confirm his hunch, though. "Yeah? Which human does Her Royal Seaweed Breath want to bang this time?"

"The human that caused the ruckus the other day. It seems he has escaped the cathedral somehow. We must find him and prepare for the execution that will follow."

His eyes widened behind his shades. This was worse that he'd feared. "Execution? Whoa, why so dramatic? He pulled a prank, and a funny one at that, he doesn't deserve to die."

Gosh, Bro's poker face really was perfect. No twitching, no smirk, no nothing. Almost as if he really wasn't having any emotions at all. "Empress' orders. We must do as she commands. Such a worthless human-"

"John!" It wasn't cool to talk about someone like they were an object. "His name is John."

Bro's face remained expressionless. "Indeed. We will find this 'John', and he will pay for his insolence. Join me, brother. Fight with me for our city. For glory. For our Empress."

Dave had a bad feeling about this, and about the sanity (or possibly lack thereof?) of his brother. Maybe he'd go along with it for a while, just to make sure Bro was okay.

And to make sure they didn't find John.

No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh sorry for the short chapter... but this will be the last fluffy one for a while I think! next chapter will be longer, and also that is when the shit will go down. my writing/posting schedule will become pretty erratic because school is a thing, but I hope to finish this fic SOON because GUESS WHO HAS HER NEXT PROJECT??
> 
> ye I'm going to write a companion fic to this, it will be closer to Hugo's Notre Dame de Paris in storyline and also it will be so super sad oh my god I will probably cry while writing it guh 
> 
> but yeah, look forward to that! :)


	9. Paris Burning

Bro raised his fist and knocked on the door of the farmhouse. The door had seen better days; it had once been a very pretty door, actually. Painted a lovely shade of red, with a shiny doorknob.

Now, the paint was peeling, and the knob was worn from use, but it was still a sturdy door, and rot had not touched it. The rest of the farmhouse was similar; old and worn, but still perfectly serviceable. It was a good house, and it was not yet done serving its owners.

Said owners had, by now, rushed to answer the door. It opened outward, revealing two figures.

The limited view Bro had of the interior of the house displayed a cluttered but cozy room, and the smell of fresh bread wafted out the door.

Both figures were wearing work clothes, patched and covered with grime. One figure, a human girl in an apron, reminded him of John, the human he was searching for. Maybe they were related. Her hair was long and tangled, and she had a streak of flour on her face. A large white dog stood beside her.

The other figure was a male troll, probably low on the hemospectrum given the surroundings, with large horns similar to those of the livestock in the fields nearby. He was seated in a strange, wheeled chair, and chicken feathers were stuck in his hairstyle.

Despite their dilapidated living space and obvious difficult lifestyle, it seemed like they both radiated happiness.

Bro cleared his throat and said, "Pardon me, do you have any information regarding the whereabouts of a human named 'John Egbert'?"

The girl blinked. "Why? Is he in trouble, sir?"

"He committed an offense against the empire, and we are searching for him. All other information is confidential, miss."

She looked at her troll companion, eyes full of concern. He patted her on the arm as high as he could reach, and said, "I'm sorry, I don't know anything about this, and I don't think Jade does either. Do you?"

Jade shook her head sadly. "This the first time I've heard about it. I'm afraid we won't be much help."

Bro nodded sharply, almost mechanical. "I understand. For security reasons, I'm placing you under house arrest."

Jade's jaw dropped. "Wait-- what?"

He raised a single hand, causing two trolls with boards, hammers, and nails to move swiftly to his side. "Just stay in your home until it all blows over. For your own safety."

The troll in the chair tugged on Jade's hand, pulling her into the house. "It's all right. We'll be fine." He gave a shaky smile as she complied, the white dog on her heels.

Bro snapped his fingers, and the guards began the process of sealing the door closed.

"Dave," Bro called, glancing at his brother. Dave quickly followed the implied order and joined him at the head of the force.

"What's up, Bro?"

Bro continued to stare at the farmhouse. "What did you notice about the girl?"

"She looked sort of like John?"

"Exactly. She's hiding something. She probably knows where he is, and is trying to protect him by lying to the Empire."

"Whoa,  Bro-- that's one hell of an accusation! I'm not sure about it though, she seemed pretty earnest to me," Dave said, grasping desperately for some part of the Bro that was familiar. His brother wouldn't accuse innocent people of stuff like that. Something was definitely wrong.

Bro didn't move at all. "No. She reeked of deceit. She must be punished." The guards had finished boarding up the farmhouse, and returned to their positions. Bro placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, crooking his fingers at a different guard holding two torches. He shoved one at Dave, almost burning his brother's face.

"Burn it."

A cold dread spread through Dave's body. Whatever was wrong with Bro was more messed up than he feared. "But-- but they're still in there! And that guy, he's hurt, he won't be able to get out, it's murder--"

"Dave. Follow your orders. Burn it." Bro moved his hand down to Dave's back and shoved him forward.

He walked slowly, facing Bro, as if making sure he wasn't going to do anything else terrible. And then, with steady purposefulness, he walked from the farmhouse to a nearby barrel of water and dunked the torch in it, exterminating the flame.

He'd expected outrage from Bro, but the look on his brother's face was just as terrifyingly expressionless as before.

Bro wasted no time, using a powerful arm to throw the torch onto the thatched roof. The straw caught quickly, and soon the whole house was aflame. Screaming and barking could be heard from within.

Dave didn't even think as he sprinted to what was now a fiery death trap. He jumped through a window, shattered glass slicing his legs through his pants. He almost worried for a moment-- it was never okay to bleed while he was painted, what if someone saw-- but there was no time. Dave's heart pounded as the suffocating heat hit him like a wall, and he crouched while he ran to avoid the smoke, which was already making his eyes water.

He jumped over furniture and clutter, trying to reach the source of the noise. In what seemed like no time, Dave had reached the front room, and was greeted by the sight of a sobbing Jade trying to heave the disabled troll onto her shoulders while the troll pushed at her, trying to force her towards the door. Her dog was going crazy, trying to get away from the fire but not wanting to leave his master behind.

A glance above his head alerted him to the fact that the rafters were burning away all too quickly, and he shoved Jade away, throwing the troll over his shoulder. Grunting, he threw himself at the door, the combined weight of himself and the troll making short work of the guard's nails. With the door down, he turned back to Jade, kicked her in the direction of the doorway, and rushed out after her, the dog on his heels. They had escaped just in time, for at that exact moment a huge support beam crashed downward, blocking any way in or out.

Once they had stumbled their way to relative safety, Dave set the troll over his shoulder on the ground. Jade rushed to the troll, clutching his face to her chest and choking out some kind of thanks.

Dave stepped back, giving them some space to sort out their feelings. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to figure out what just happened, and then the breath was gone from his lungs and he was on the ground, rocks digging into his cheek and one of Bro's boots on his neck.

He knew it was Bro's boot because the other one was right in front of his face. It shirted a little as his brother spoke, soft and cold and unfamiliar.

"Dave Strider. You have disobeyed your orders. You have disobeyed the empire. You will pay dearly for your insolence."

Dave snorted as well as he could with so much pressure on his throat. "Aw man, Bro, that's so rad, I've always wanted to be punished for doing my job. It's truly an honor. For reals, dude."

Bro moved his foot from Dave's neck to his upper back, still pushing him down into the dirt. He drew his sword and held it above his head.

Dave heard the sword slip from its sheath, let his eyes flutter shut, and gritted his teeth as he prepared for death at the hand of his brother.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

John was wearing the best disguise ever.

Okay, well, maybe not the best one ever, but it was still better than nothing- the fake mustache attached to his face did wonders to protect his identity, and he was glad to have held on to Karkat's cloak. It was warm and heavy, and nicer than anyone would expect a fugitive to wear.

And the pockets were large, which was incredibly helpful at times like this.

John was stuck behind a tree, and hadn't been close enough to do anything but watch as Jade and Tavros were questioned and almost murdered. He hadn't been able to help save them, or their house, or their animals...

Which was why he was so happy Dave had helped them. That was really awesome of him.

Only now Dave was in danger. But that was okay, because John could do something about that.

John reached into one of the cloak's pockets, pulling out a sling and a small stone. As he got ready to swing it, he tried to focus- he only had one shot. If he failed, Dave was a goner, and he couldn't let that happen. He let out a breath, and released the stone in one fluid movement.

It flew quickly, whistling through the air, and landed a solid hit right on Bro's nose. Which was probably broken now. Ha.

John darted back behind the tree and watched as Bro reeled back, his sword dropping to the ground as his hands flew to his face, desperate to cover up the blood gushing from his nose, whatever color it was.

It seemed as if Dave picked up on what happened. He jumped up, turning around to face Bro and quickly dishing out a hard kick to Bro's gut before sprinting away as fast as his legs could carry him.

Bro was bent in half with his hands on his face, and apparently this was cause enough for the rest of the guards to draw their bows and arrows and pursue Dave.

John stayed in the forest as he ran, keeping out of sight as much as possible. Dave was racing down the road at a fantastic pace, but arrows were a lot faster than he was, and they were already reaching him, flying into the ground at his feet.

Dave ran all the way back to the city, the guards thundering along the road behind him. He reached the main bridge, hopping up onto the narrow railing to avoid a sheet of arrows. Time seemed to slow as John watched him pick his way across the bridge like a tightrope walker.

Dave only made it twelve paces before he was hit.

And then, before John fully realized what was happening, Dave had fallen off of the bridge. He caught a glimpse of Dave's face as he fell-- twisted in pain, the tendons in his neck made prominent. And then-- his horns shifted a little?

There was no time to think about that, though, and as the city guards ran onto the bridge to shoot more arrows at their ex-leader, John scampered down to the water's edge. He stayed close to the side of the bridge, panting in the shadows.

Please, he prayed to anyone who might be listening, please let me save him.

The guards decided amongst themselves that Dave was suitably occupied-- if the arrows hadn't killed him, the strong current would. They filtered off the narrow bridge and returned to Bro for further orders.

The moment they left, John whipped off Karkat's cloak and his mustache, wincing a little at the sting, and then swam to the approximate spot where Dave had fallen. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the smelly air, and dove in.

It was disgusting in the river, the result of decades of pollution. Cold, murky water surrounded John, and when he opened his eyes he felt the prick of tears. He went limp, letting the current take him where it may have taken Dave, but he kept a steady watch for the telltale red cloak.

He soon spotted Dave, who was lying facedown on the riverbed, his bright cloak billowing up like a beacon. John paddled downward, trying to remember some of the more simple strokes he had learned as a child.

Reaching the muddy bottom, John wound his arms under Dave's armpits and kicked off towards the surface. Luckily, the current was much weaker here, and it was more a problem of making sure Dave was coming up with him. He wasn't as heavy as John had expected him to be, which was actually quite helpful, even if he wasn't moving much.

They broke the surface in a fairly shallow area, and John took another huge breath before aiming them towards the riverbank, swimming on his back so that Dave's head was supported by his shoulders and upper torso. That was a pretty good idea, because Dave was coughing up a storm!

It wasn't long before John could stand, and then, heaving a sigh of relief, he pulled Dave onto the shore.

John sat in the dirt next to Dave and rubbed at his eyes- they were still watering, and everything was kind of blurry. Dave's face actually looked... really pale? And his horns were gone? That couldn't be good. And that arrow wound looked pretty bad, he'd have to get help. Also, Dave had red blood? Gosh, what a weird troll! It was almost like he was human!

...Oh. Oh, fuck!

"Hey, um. Are you okay? Also, are you even a troll?" Nice and subtle, that should do it.

Dave turned away and retched before collapsing on the ground, breathing heavily. "What do you think?" His voice was a lot quieter than usual.

John furrowed his brow. "Well, I'm not sure about the troll thing, but, like... can you not swim or something? You really had me worried for a minute," he admitted.

Silence.

"Dave?"

John poked his companion in the side, and received no response. Apparently, Dave had passed out in a pool of his own vomit.

"Wow, rude," John grunted in annoyance. Great, not only was he on the run, but he also had someone else on the run who happened to be an unconscious ex-captain-of-the-guard troll-human! What was he going to do now?

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Karkat was not expecting any interruptions. He was down in Muse's cathedral, grumbling and smearing wax on a section of the floor when he heard someone kick at the door. Glad for an excuse to get off his aching knees, Karkat stood up. He was almost excited-- telling this idiotic troublemaker off would give him a chance to try out some new curses.

Karkat's mouth dropped open when he saw his visitor.

John was a mess, terrified eyes bugging out of their sockets and wet hair clinging to his head. The limp person in his arms looked a lot worse, from what Karkat could tell. Which wasn't much, given the fact that whoever this douchebag was happened to be haphazardly swaddled in-- wait, was that his cloak?

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It didn't take a lot of work to persuade Kanaya into hiding and healing Dave. What did take a lot of work, though, was getting Dave's mostly unconscious form up the many, many stairs to the belltower.

"It's the best option by far," Kanaya had said. "There's no way he'll be found, the only way up is the stairs. Perhaps it would be easier to transport him into the tunnels, but we can't risk it. Besides, he'll need bedrest, and Karkat's bed is-"

"What?" Karkat snarled. "I'm not about to let this douche die in my bed! Whatever he is, he's practically been the Empress' lapdog for years, I'd rather gouge out my own eyeballs with a spoon than let the stink of his unwashed breath anywhere near my living space." He thought about crossing his arms across his chest for emphasis, but decided against it-- the last thing he needed right now was to look like he was so young that he needed help wiping snot from his nose.

John sighed, shifting Dave's weight in his arms. "Gosh, I'm really sorry Karkat, but Dave is really hurt right now. And I don't think he's mean. He's been helping out people for a long time, and he helped me a few times too, and he literally just saved my sister's life, and it would mean a lot to me if you helped him!"

He added to the effect of this speech by biting his lip and gazing at Karkat with a look that made the troll's knees wobble. God, it was almost like John had no idea how adorable he was.

Karkat sighed heavily. "Sure. Douchepants and I will be the best roommates in the history of ever."

And that was why he now found himself dragging a smelly, vomit-covered unconscious dude up the stairs. Karkat had to try really hard not to let Dave's head bonk onto every step, but he could easily picture the disapproving look John would shoot his way. So yeah. Not going to do that.

It seemed like an eternity had passed before Karkat finally reached the top; he sagged against the wall, dropping Dave on the flat wooden floor and panting heavily. He almost jumped out of his skin when Dave grunted. Not entirely unconscious, then? Damn, that asshole had just made him do all the work.

Karkat was startled again when he heard heavy footsteps below him. A quick glance over the banister revealed that John and Kanaya were both laden with bowls of water and other medical supplies, some of which looked extremely painful.

He grabbed Dave again and hauled ass over to his blanket nest, almost tripping in his haste. John and Kanaya quickly caught up to him, and John put down his bowl of water and assorted implements of destruction before rushing over to help Karkat move Dave.

Once Dave was settled down, Karkat was brushed aside by Kanaya. "All right, stand back, dear. This could get a little messy; I haven't done anything like this for quite a long time," she said, selecting a bottle of sacrificial alcohol from her pile. She opened it briskly and poured some over Dave's chest, where the arrow had been.

As soon as the alcohol hit, Dave jolted awake and hissed in discomfort. Before he could move around too much, John kneeled down on his other side and grabbed one of Dave's clenched fists, patting it and relaxing the fingers in slow motions. "Hi, Dave," he said quietly.

Dave looked away from his chest for a moment. "Oh. Hey. Didn't see you there." His head turned back towards Kanaya as he sensed movement. She was focused on her task, threading a wickedly sharp needle. Just looking at it sort of made Dave want to cry.

He was saved from the coming onslaught of tears by a strong hand, cupping his chin and turning his head away gently. "Don't look," John was saying. "It'll only hurt more. Try to think about something else. Something nice."

Dave winced as Kanaya dabbed at the wound with a wet cloth. "I wish I could say I've had worse, but. This sucks, dude. This sucks imperial octopus balls."

John laughed, keeping one hand in Dave's now partially relaxed palm, and moving the other to smooth his forehead. "Don't worry, I'll help you. Hmm... Well, whenever I feel bad, I think of the sky!"

A single pale eyebrow was raised. "You can't be serious."

"No, really! I don't know, it helps me for some reason. Just thinking about all the colors, and the clouds, and the rain, and the sunshine, and the birds... Oh, and the wind! I really like the wind, you know why? Whenever it's windy, I get so excited and happy, and I can hear and smell and feel things I normally wouldn't be able too, isn't that cool? And that's just in the city, imagine what it would be like to really be up there, to fly!"

Dave was so focused on the glowing smile above him that he barely felt the needle passing through his skin.

"I mean, at first it might be a little scary, but once you get the hang of it I think it would be so much fun. Just tumbling, and gliding, and maybe even falling sometimes. It would be a lot like dancing! No rules, no worries, just the sky. Flying forever, all over the world. But you wouldn't be lonely- you'd have the wind with you, and it would carry all the smells and sounds to you, and you'd be everywhere and nowhere all at once, if you wanted."

Kanaya had finished sewing up the wound, and handed John some sort of herbal compress, motioning for him to hold it down while she cleaned up her supplies. Dave winced at the pressure on the tender wound, but the compress was warm and felt sort of nice after being plunged in the icy river.

"John, I feel morally obligated to tell you that what you just said was both endearing and the stupidest damn thing I have ever heard."

"Well, gee, thanks." A quick roll of John's eyes would have to do as both of his hands were occupied. "Oh, I almost forgot!" His eyes were soft and earnest as he gazed at Dave. "Thank you. For saving my sister, I mean, and Tavros too. That was really brave, and also sort of stupid. But. Yeah, thanks." The conversation had gotten a little more awkward and strained than in the past.

Dave's mental facilities were not quite up to the standard degree of functionality, and it took him a moment to connect the (ever evasive) metaphorical dots. "Wait-- no one was there except-- but you-- how-- hold on, did you save me? That was you! What the hell were you thinking?"

John's hand was working overtime-- smoothing out Dave's forehead was a difficult task! New creases kept showing up with every passing second! "I-- I couldn't just let you die, I mean-- you were-- and then you-- and I-- and I never got to tell you that--" and then they were kissing OH FUCK THEY WERE KISSING HOLY SHIT  okay wait no don't freak out, it was only Dave, he was only kissing Dave OH FUCK HE WAS KISSING DAVE and it was actually sort of nice? Not that John had much to compare it to, but it was chaste, and soft, and gentle, and sort of had an innocent, unassuming vibe. So yeah. Nice. Heh. And then it slowly became the opposite of chaste. It was very difficult not to burst into hysterical giggles, but damn if John wasn't trying his hardest.

And he wasn't the only one. Karkat, having completed his initial task, had been brushed out of the way earlier and had eventually settled on the floor by the opposite wall. He was partially trying to shield the finished tapestry of John because he really wasn't ready to have to explain that, and also it sort of felt like he was intruding on something, which wasn't a good feeling to have. So he twiddled his thumbs and shifted with increasing amounts of discomfort until they started kissing, when he stuffed a fist in his mouth, screamed silently, and pretended he didn't want to cry.

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All too soon, John pulled away with a wet smack. "I have to go," he whispered. "Stay here until you're better." And with nothing but a small smile, he stood up and strode briskly to where Karkat was trying to act natural.

"Karkat?" John's voice was quiet as he placed a gentle hand on the troll's shoulder. "Protect him for me. I have to go hide in the Court of Miracles, but I need you both to stay safe until I can come back."

The tenderness almost hurt more than the heartbreak. "Yeah. Okay," Karkat managed to croak. And then John was gone. Karkat sank back down to the floor and stayed there for a while, trying to calm the emotions that were demanding to be acknowledged. Eventually, when his breathing was fairly even and the tear tracks on his face were sort of dry, he jumped to his feet. Dave was lying in his blanket nest, the one that smelled like soap and sunshine and that gross armpit smell, his gross armpit smell, and he'd been kissing John, his John, and he'd been spending time with Bro, his Bro, and he wasn't even a troll but he still had a better life than Karkat even though his blood was red too! It was not fair and Karkat really wanted to kick him in his ugly face and then shit in his hair.

But. No. No, violence was never the answer, no matter how much Karkat wanted it to be. He needed to calm down some more. He needed to talk to Kankri.

So down the stairs he went, dull nails digging into his fists . When he got close to the bottom, though, he heard some very angry people in the kitchen. Karkat approached quietly, careful to avoid the creaky areas. Once in a proper eavesdropping position, he tilted his head upward, opening his airway and eliminating breathing noises completely.

"-- still think you should think about what exactly this would mean. So many souls dissolved in the pores of your steel, the city would howl and drown itself with blood, you would choose fire and brimstone over reason?" Kankri always got poetic when he was trying to control his emotions.

"I am choosing reason, Kankri. They are not people, they are savages, and they should be put down for their own good. I'm trying to protect the citizens from these heathens, why are you fighting me?" The second voice was lower, and only heard in the cathedral on rare occasions. Karkat gulped. Bro was here, and it sounded like he wanted to kill someone.

"You call this protection? Strider, what you are planning is extermination! Where is your morality, your empathy? Did you bump your head on something? You simply cannot decide to kill every single human in the city, it's absurd!" No more poetry, Kankri was a fully-blown angry troll now. Karkat would have cringed if he hadn't been trying not to gasp at the revelation. Bro was trying to kill all of the humans? What the hell?

"And it's absurd that you seem to think you can tell me what to do. This is not under your jurisdiction. I know where their hideout is. The Court of Miracles will be mine by dawn."

Karkat had heard enough. Silently, he made his way back up to the belltower. Bro was planning to attack the Court of Miracles. He couldn't let that happen. John was there, wherever it was, along with a bunch of other humans. He had to warn them. He had to get there before Bro.

Resolved, Karkat burst into the belltower, immediately rummaging around for a spare cloak.  He settled on a thick, dark gray one with a stain on one sleeve and threw the heavy garment over his shoulders. Then he reached into his shirt, pulling out the skeleton necklace John had given him. "If you ever need help, you'll know where to find me," he muttered, recalling the words John had given him with the gift. "Well, John, I hope for your sake that you're right."

Before Karkat had taken a single step towards the door, he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. His face twisted into a scowl when he realized who the hand belonged to.

"I want to come too," said Dave.

Karkat groaned.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i have some stuff i want to add  
> jade and tavros live on a farm together. they do have some sort of relationship, but whether it's red or pale or a mix or something else entirely is up to you!  
> drinking alcohol is NOT A VIABLE ANTISEPTIC ANYMORE! it kills the tissue on the inside of a wound, and although it's okay for shallow stuff, it probably wouldn't be okay in this situation if they had access to modern medicine.  
> also  
> i am sorry the johndave was so cheesy *hides face* it had to be super fast and although i tried to hint at it throughout the story it is not really the center focus so yeah. sorry.  
> so now dave is wounded, karkat is sad, and john is in danger. OH NO


	10. The Court of Miracles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, took me a while to update because life got in the way for a while. but i did finish this chapter, and i also went back and edited some irregularities. hope you all had a nice holiday season!

Karkat was really, really fucking cold without the comfort of his cloak.

Not only had that idiot Dave gone and bled on it (wow, rude), Dave hadn't even bothered offering it back to him before hooking it around his own neck. Karkat wondered whether Dave knew that it wasn't John's cloak. Probably not, the single brain cell he owned was working its ass off already.

Dave had claimed that he was well-rested enough to walk on his own. Dave was completely full of shit, but he was also well disciplined, and Karkat had to respect that. So when Dave had to grab onto his shoulder with a grip so weak Karkat could barely feel it, the troll held his tongue. Biting back scathing remarks wasn't easy, but neither was giving up your dignity to support yourself on the shoulder of an angry troll.

For that matter, finding John wasn't easy either.

Karkat had reluctantly brought Dave up to the roof. While he didn't want to share a place that held so much sentimental value, it was secluded, private, and had a fantastic veiw of the city. If they were going to find John, it was the best place to figure out where.

He pulled the skeleton necklace from around his neck, holding the delicate pendant in his palm. The bright white stood out against his grey skin in the starlight, and he wondered (not for the first time) what material had been used to make it. He was almost scared to find out.

He took a deep breath and turned around to face Dave. "Okay. See this?" He held up the necklace, and Dave nodded in acknowledgement. "John gave this to me after I helped him escape. He said that if I ever needed help, I could use it to find him in the Court of Miracles."

Dave let out a low whistle. "Do you know how long my brother's searched for that place? Shit, he'd kill an absolute ton of people for that little skull thingy. He'd probably also eat their intestines raw, knowing him. Creepy old fucker."

Karkat was entirely unimpressed. "That aside, the problem here is that I don't know how a skeleton necklace could locate John. Any thoughts, O Great Fountain of Wisdom?"

"Hmm. That's a toughie. Some sort of tracking device, maybe," Dave muttered to himself as he grabbed the legs of the skeleton, giving a slight tug as he tried to pull it out of Karkat's hands. "Give it here, Sunshine, I want a closer look."

"No way, douchewagon," Karkat snarled, baring his teeth posessively and looking a little feral. "John gave this to me, it's mine."

"Look, dude, just for a second--"

"Absolutely not!" Karkat's grip on the head of the skeleton tightened. No matter how hard Dave pulled, he wasn't going to let go.

"Let go, butthead!"

"You first!"

Dave rolled his eyes. "Argh, you're so immature!"

"ME?? I wasn't the one making out on someone else's fucking bed!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Their argumentwas brought to an end by a sharp _snap_ , and Karkat and Dave shared a distraught look before glancing down to check the damage. The necklace had been split in two, dividing where the spinal cord met the skull. Now, instead of being completely connected, there was a small circular hole. And there was something sticking out of the hole. Bringing the skull closer to his face, Karkat peered inside.

The shitty light made it difficult to see exactly what it was, but it looked enough like a tightly rolled piece of paper that Karkat felt relatively safe pulling it out. It took some grappling, but soon there was a small map in his hand.

"That's actually pretty convenient," Dave said, making use of his fantastic observation skills. "But where does it say we have to go?"

Karkat looked up, his face solemn. "The culling grounds."

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They arrived at the culling grounds panting heavily, having run through the streets as quickly as stealth (and health) allowed.

Karkat peered around the gate, observing the deserted area. No one went there unless absolutely necessary, for three reasons. First, it was not a pleasant place to be. The tombstones, blood spatters, and mass graves did not make a fun environment for a romantic summertime picnic. Second, if you were out frolicking among the graves, there was a chance that you would get caught and killed for trespassing. Also not fun. Third, all those rotting corpses piled together meant it smelled really horrible. This resulted in a mostly abandoned area, and people only went there to be executed. So Karkat could see why the entrance to the Court of Miracles would be hidden here. Good planning.

He beckoned to Dave, taking a deep breath before stepping through the stone archway. Immediately, the cloying stench of blood and rotting corpses invaded his lungs, and his eyes stung as he tried not to retch.

He and Dave picked their way through the massive, twisting mass graves, looking for a sign.

Past the more recent mass graves were smaller groups of graves, some with tombstones and some unmarked. These were older ones, graves from before the Condesce had risen to power. There were statues here, and it was sort of pretty, especially compared to the stinky mass graves nearby. Some of the statues had been destroyed, however, because this was an area that had a lot of culture to it, and some of that culture was not what the Condesce wanted to promote. So those statues that had displayed Muse or traditionally human virtues and values were smashed, and the rubble littered the paths even now. Dave almost tripped over the broken stone.

Karkat caught a glimpse of a frog carving in one of the larger piles of rubble. Struck by its similarity to the cathedral, he looked more intently at the pile.

There were dozens of frogs littering the ground, some intact and some smashed, and all different. The number of limbs, size of the eyeballs, even the shapes of all the stomachs were minutely different. It was incredibly obvious that a whole lot of care went into their creation. Karkat was hit by a sudden desire to apologize to the stonecarver for the Condesce's actions, and a wave of guilt so strong that he almost missed what was behind all of the frogs.

Standing before him was a towering statue, taller than most of the others in the culling grounds. Huge carvings of Muse and Lord were sitting back to back, eyes closed and faces relaxed. But what was most surprising were the details. Their hands were joined, and they both had wings extending up into the sky, and-- rather than being in the bodies of trolls or humans, as that was the most common way to give the deities physical forms-- they were strangely skeletal, and made from the same white material as John's necklace. It was unlike anything Karkat had seen before, even after growing up in their very own cathedral!

And sitting right between them was a small, unassuming frog.

"Holy shit," Dave breathed, still staring at the wings of the statue. "Why does it look like they're going to fly away and kill some people?"

"No idea," Karkat said. "But come look at this, I'm getting vibes from this one frog." He reached for Dave, helping him cross the rubble and approach the statue.

"Good or bad?"

Karkat bit his lip. "Don't know yet."

Dave huffed, trying to cover up a hiss of pain. "Well, if it eats us, I'm blaming you."

"Sure, you do that," Karkat said distractedly.

Upon closer inspection, the white frog was even shorter than he was, and there were three spots towards the top of the frog's head that looked dirty and smudged, as if many people had touched it. A slow smile grew on Karkat's face as he realised why.

"Holy fuck, remind me to thank Kankri for talking so much if we get out of this alive," he said, and then he kissed both his index fingers.

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The tunnel they found themselves in was slightly damp, but not as dark as they expected. Torches were somehow attached to the walls at regular intervals, and the flickering orange light was enough to light the way.

Karkat and Dave trudged along carefully, Dave using Karkat's shoulder for support.

As they made their way farther into the tunnel, something about the atmosphere changed, and when the tunnel split into several different paths, they stopped to rest for a bit.

"Why aren't there any guards, dude? Do you think they'd let anyone just walk right in?" Dave asked, the words ringing agaist the walls.

Karkat glanced around, searching for movement. "I don't know. I'm getting a bad vibe, but we have to keep going, shithead. We have to find Jo--"

Before either of them could react , they were suddenly surrounded by figures in dark clothing and masked faces. Troll horns were visible on a few, but the rest were human. Only the leader, a tall troll wearing face paint, was unmasked.

Then all the lights went out, Karkat felt Dave's body being ripped from his hands, and he was bound and gagged, his arms tied behind him and a heavy sack shoved over his head. He could feel someone lifting him over their shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He struggled until they shook him pointedly, and then he went limp and prayed to Muse and Lord and whoever else might be listening that he wasn't about to be roasted on a spit.

After a long, bumpy ride, Karkat could hear voices growing gradually louder, until the noise became practically deafening. Then light was all around them, and it was only a short while before he was carried up some stairs and set down upright on some sort of raised platform. He could hear his captors fiddling with something, then a heavy weight settled around his neck-- that was a little ominous-- and the sack over his head was whipped off.

There was so much light that his eyes hurt, but Karkat looked around anyway, trying to understand what was happening without moving too much because oh _fuck_  there was a noose around his neck. There was one around Dave's neck as well, and the human looked like he was even more freaked out than Karkat felt. Understandable, as they were bound and gagged and attached to a gallows in a strange place they knew nothing about.

Well. That wasn't quite accurate. They were in a huge cavern, which was crowded with people and tents. Humans-- and the occasional troll-- milled about, buying and selling goods, eating, and conversing. He wondered if this was the Court of Miracles. But far more attention was on Karkat than he was comfortable with, and that one troll with the face paint was still close by, conversing with-- hold on, was that _Terezi_?

Relief washed over Karkat. Finally, someone he recognized. He tried to call out to her, but the gag in his mouth was expertly tied, and the only sounds that made it through were muffled beyond recognition. Shit. He would just have to trust that she recognized him in time.

Terezi and the painted troll assumed positions on the gallows with an ease that only came with practice. Terezi stepped forward, letting the light bounce off of her colorful clothing. "Gather round!" she called, "We've got some intruders to deal with!"

The people did start to pack together, responding eagerly to her words.

"And not only were they intruding; said intrusions were entirely illegal! And why were they here? How did they find us? The answer is simple: they are spies!"

The crowd roared angrily.

"Yes, spies! Sent by the Empress herself, no doubt!"

Well, at least she knew how to assemble an angry mob. That took skill.

"Ah, but do not fear," she said, motioning for the people to quiet down, "for the dead cannot speak. These spies will not lead their master to the Court of Miracles... so long as we kill them before they get the chance!"

Karkat's stomach dropped as he listened to her gleeful cackle. She wasn't even going to look at them, and even if she did, what would happen? He looked nothing like himself, all muddy and smelly and cloaked, and Dave didn't even look like a troll anymore. Death seemed like a very real opportunity, but it was one that Karkat was not ready to face.

He cried out once more, struggling as much as his bonds would allow while the painted troll approached the lever that would drop the platform from under them.

"Stop!" a voice rang out, and everything was very still for a moment. Then John, _oh thank Muse is was John_ , ran up to the platform.

He smiled broadly, hands on his hips. "Terezi, you big goober, those guys aren't spies! They're my friends! Dave-- that's Captain Strider, I guess he was a human all along-- has helped so many people, and he saved my sister pretty recently. And Karkat, that's the troll, he lives in the cathedral and helped me escape from the city guards after I pulled that prank on Empress Fishbreath!"

Karkat sagged in relief as the painted troll took off the noose and untied his bonds.

Terezi cackled madly. "It's all right, John. I wasn't actually going to kill them, you know. When you live with someone for that long, you don't forget their scent easily." She wrinkled her nose. "Even if it does smell like they rolled in horseshit. What the hell have you been doing, Karkat? And why were you traveling with Strider?"

Before Karkat could answer or deliver his message, Dave cut in, now freed from his bonds as well. "Is that really you, Pyrope? Why are you down here, do you know how long I've been looking for you?"

Terezi turned to him, smiling more softly than Karkat knew she was capable of. "It's nice to see you too, Dave."

"Okay," Karkat huffed, "this is touching and all, but we came for a reason." He raised his voice, yelling the warning as loud as he could so the whole cavern could hear. "I overheard Bro arguing with Kankri. He's planning to invade the Court of Miracles by sunrise. He'll have the entire guard with him, you've got no chance. Leave this place, as quickly as you can, before it's too late!"

"There is no need for that," another voice called, somehow loud and soft at the same time. "We have already arrived." Horrified, Karkat whirled around to the entrance of the cavern. Standing there was Bro, with rank upon rank of trolls in armor behind him. Karkat's stomach dropped. No, this was impossible-- how could he have found the Court of Miracles so soon?

"Really though, I owe you one." Stoic as ever, Bro nodded slightly at both Dave and Karkat. "Dave, Karkat-- I couldn't have found this place if you hadn't led us to it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next few updates will be irregular too, but i do plan to finish this, and hopefully the gaps won't be four moths long next time. :)


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